All-Star first baseman Mark McGuire announced his retirement from baseball Sunday night, after years of excessive steroid use finally drove him insane. The St. Louis Cardinal wrapped his androstenedione enduced career 172 home runs shy of Hank Aaron's everlasting record of 755, although he did surpass Roger Maris' single season home run record in 1999. When questioned about McGuire's testicals, Cardinal's trainer and certified ball doctor John O'Connell stated "I haven't seen balls that small since I bought my daughter's hamster a set of marbles". McGuire's former Oakland A's bash brother Jose Canseco could not be reached for comment, but Canseco continues to send hoax anthrax letters to major league baseball, in a poor attempt to get his name back into the spotlight. The red headed monster represented the U.S. at the Olympics in 1994 winning a gold medal before joining the A's professionally in 1986, winning the World Series three short years later. McGuire ended his career with a total of 583 career home runs, and still owes half the underbelly of New Jersey $50,000 for "undisclosed liquids" that scientists say will enhance your strength immediately but with drastic consequences. Mark McGuire will be missed by everyone but none more than Chicago Cub Sammy Sosa, who had the following statement to say about McGuire's bust (retirement). "Mark is a beautiful beautiful man who hit the ball very (spit) very far. Not as far as (spit) me Sammy Sosa, but he hit (spit out and refill chew) the ball far. And beautiful."
Source: Captain Obvious