I am not a cool person. This statement may not alter your universe, but speaking on behalf of a lifetime cardholder of cool, this is depressing news to myself as well as my ego. This past weekend, I was purchasing the new Q And Not U CD and a giant blast of reality slapped my face as if I dove 50 stories head first into the shallow end of the pool. I thought I was doing everything right. My first problem was thinking. My second problem was me.
I cased the store for an hour (minimum) so it appeared like I "found" this needle in the haystack rather than let my eagerness show. When I got to the counter I asked for the obscure UK single of Coldplay's "Hot In Herre" (which I know doesnít exist, but I played it like it was a must have). I even paid in cash. During this debit day and high interest credit age, how much more punk can you get than cold hard cash? Food stamps I guess, but they only work at the grocery store, and we all know those are for housewives and old people. As the clerk, or apathetic poser from hell, refused to look me in the eye, I realized that I am not cool. I MUST regain my scene points. I canít live until I restore the indie in me. So I am officially changing my name to The Jason Anfinsens.
Drink water. Clear throat. Open mouth wide and repeat: The Jason Anfinsens. Doesn't that just sound dreamy? It rolls off the tongue and melts in your mouth like cotton candy. Its gorgeous echo chimes like "voulez-vouz couchez avec moi ce soir," which will be the thought that swims through every woman's mind once she realizes that Jason Anfinsen is now plural. Yes ladies, the possibilities are endless.
I realized this life-altering fact; no one in 2002 is cool unless his or her name ends in S with The preceding it. The White Stripes, The Hives, and The Vines obviously reinforce that hypothesis. The Strokes were named 2002 Band of the Year by Spin Magazine a year AFTER their album came out, only because more than one Stroke exists. Stroke? A Stroke? Stroker Ace? Those are just silly thoughts. The Strokes...but of course.
As an active member of Generation X, or Y, or Star Trek the Next Generation, it's hard for me to keep up on what "cool" is. The hardest part is that I am supposed to not only know what cool is, I am also supposed to go completely in the opposite direction of cool, declare that something else is cool, and then shrug it off as being anything but, while I nonchalantly clarify what the new cool thing is. (Note to all teenagers; repeat cycle daily until you become bored, then THAT will be the new cool. Being bored is so ë94).
Since you began reading this article, I have signed a multi-year recording contract with a major record label with an undisclosed six figure deal...and I sing like a cat's tail caught under a rocking chair. Board meetings are being held as we speak, developing a game plan to market the new phenomenon known in short as "The Anfis." I have heard rumors, and cannot confirm anything at this time, but NME wants to do a cover article on this "important piece of the global puzzle." I have tours scheduled through Europe and then for a major market stint in the United States, before I head out to Los Angeles for the video shoot, and I haven't even seen a recording studio yet. THAT is the power of my new name.
I am now dating a high-profile Hollywood starlet and have an affair lined up with a model, who will unveil my new fashion line at the runway show in Milan after my bio picture wraps. Through it all I am still naÔve and adolescent in my ways. My mom called yesterday and asked for a Chanukah card and I, being the immortal celebrity that the media has turned me into, sued her. I know that she doesn't have any money, but my manager told my publicist to let my agent know that my lawyer suggested a lawsuit (preferably with a member of my immediate family) to help promote my trip to space.
Ladies and gentlemen, please realize that the only way that anyone will talk to you in 2003, is if you take the inevitable plunge that helped show me the light and change your name. Don't continue to live the lie. Turn on your radio. Vote on your TRL. Engulf yourself in your favorite entertainment news program. Stop the fighting. Make the change. Become someone. Become MORE than someone, become a group of someone. Think about the most famous bands in history - The Nirvanas, The Big Brother and the Holding Companies, The Ludwig Van Beethovens.
I understand that there are a bevy of things keeping originality locked deep inside our hearts behind our fear; I'm not an idiot. Like I said, I wasn't ALWAYS The Jason Anfinsens. I just knew that like many before me, my time had come.
Source: Jason Anfinsen