Clear Channel Buys Christmas, Hanukkah, Merges Two Holidays

In spite of a recent statements regarding the end of a massive acquisition
phase, Clear Channel Entertainment announced today at a press conference
that they have acquired both Christmas and Hanukkah in a massive stock swap
and will merge the two holidays. An industry source said that the deal had
been in the works about 1300 years but had been kept quiet until today.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah
was becoming prohibitive. Clear Channel executives felt that this new
consolidation could result in significant cost savings and profit
opportunities for the company and offer a substantial benefit to it's
worldwide customer base.

A Clear Channel press release stated that "the world will now be able to
enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of
Chrismukah", as the new holiday is being called.
Executives also stated that the new combined holiday offered a bounty of new
synergistic opportunities for both current and future clients of it's
sponsorship division. A spokesman stated "Could it be any more obvious?
There have to be enormous dollars available for a title sponsorship for

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible
to a wider audience. Two of the dreidel faces will become available for
sponsor messages and logos.

While not announced publicly, it is believed that a new Clear Channel
initiative will allow Jews worldwide to use Santa Claus and his vast
merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts via a special
new CCE/Ticketmaster web site being constructed now. Clear Channel
executives expressed confidence that this new web site would quickly acquire
significant market share from and others.
Industry insiders are rumbling that negotiations are already underway to
also bring New Year's Eve into the Clear Channel fold, although Clear
Channel spokesmen are issuing vigorous denials. They also denied any
conversations regarding a possible acquisition of Kwanza, asserting that it
was necessary to maintain a competitive balance.
The press conference was closed with Clear Channel Entertainment Chairman
Brian Becker leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye
Faithful" with a surprise all-star backup band fronted by Kenny G and
Michael Bolton.

Source: The Tripwire

Clear Channel Buys Christmas, Hanukkah, Merges Two Holidays