Scientists have discovered a new recessive gene that leaves young men 16 ñ 40 without fingers. If your grandfather lost his fingers, then you better ring all the doorbells you can before itís too late. As you read, this avoid looking directly at your hands, as there is a chance you may go blind, from all of your masturbation.
Imagine being stricken by this terrible blow to your physical appearance and self-esteem. There you are, a bright, attractive, 26-year old alpha male fearfully staring into the mirror one morning before work, noticing that your right pinky and index finger have eroded away. Panic acts as your breakfast, fear is your lunch and embarrassment your dinner.
There are many ways of living a day-to-day life after your finger count plummets from ten to three thanks to a dumb luck deal of the cards courtesy of your trusty dealer (God). New science miracles and homeopathic remedies, in addition to residing in the overpopulated community of denial, are helping people to deal with this painful reality.
Infomercials for spray on fingers will consume late night television. Wonder pills, once planted into the vacant orifice, sprinkled with Miracle Grow powder, watered two to three times daily, and kept void of sunlight, are guaranteed to grow back fingers almost immediately (allow 4-6 weeks before filing for a refund). Companies hock flesh toned spackle, designed to fill the void left by the absent finger (knuckle and nails sold separately).
Different social classes spare no expense trying to hide their newly-deformed hand. The upper class elite chooses to sever what's left of their hands and replace them with a glass or Faberge replica. Although inoperable, they truly exemplify the distinguished, fingerless socialite at any wine tasting party or tree cutting ceremony.
The suffering blue-collar class eagerly takes up ventriloquism, attaching a babbling wooden creature to the end of their wrist. The government has been known to issue sock puppets to the poor or homeless, sometimes with eyes glued on and sometimes not. Teenagers who develop early symptoms of finger loss choose for the novelty #1 foam hands (red being the color of choice).
You arenít looking at your hands, now are you? Donít! You have been warned twice.
Obviously news like this is hard on the human psyche, which is not prepared to deal with and adapt to discomforting news such as the loss of one, let alone ten appendages.
Insomniacs, whose crying fits keep them awake deep into the night, will need a foot controlled channel changer, a simple task that can no longer be performed with man's newly acquired devil hands.
Doctors operate wearing baseball gloves. Wedding bands must be strewn from necklaces. Phone numbers can only be dialed by voice recognition systems.
Universal expressions such as thumbs up, A-OK, or fuck you, will be replaced by a ritualistic dance that involves rapid blinking of the eyes and a prolonged extension of the tongue.
The percentage of grave robberies rises as the thirst for human fingers soars. Those who lack funds to purchase unused fingers of the deceased are forced to settle for animal paws or hooves. This is seen as "gay" by almost everyone.
When issued a driver's license, citizens have the option of becoming a post mortem finger donor. Men joining the army will be required to sand off their fingers down to a prickly bump, as to assume a collective image of the deadly American soldier. For charity, radio hosts and television personalities cut off their fingers to raise money. Highlights of the bloody carnage are recycled on the 11 o'clock news.
Gangs begin to deteriorate, as their members are unable to charismatically represent the neighborhood in which they reside. Out of respect for their meatball handed enemies, members of the opposing gang are spared a shower of bullets and are rather suffocated with a pillow.
Sign language, for those without fingers, is viewed as taking a summertime swim in the deep end of a pool filled with quicksand, and is thereby outlawed. Anyone seen trying to communicate with a person without hearing and fingers will be shot, then arrested.
Study the true players of the genetically disfigured hand game: Edward Scissorhands, Captain Hook, and Carl Weather's character from the movie Happy Gilmore.
Prepare for nothing. Expect a lifetime of self-awareness and extensive ridicule. An unsuspecting mass of the human race will one day lose their fingersÖit could be you.
This article is dated 2023. Fear your future.
Source: Jason Anfinsen