Spaceballs: The Reality





The planet Earth is NOT damaged by our industrial revolution of machines, cars, airplanes, boats, tanks, trucks, motorbikes, and rocket ships by any means. Earth has the best atmosphere in the world. Just ask Al Gore, he'll bore you to death about it. And win an Oscar. And be nominated for a Nobel Prize. But despite its lack of human necessities like oxygen or water or Tivo, space still hooks the boys like juicy Lucy the block's best cock rocker. A growing number of loonies are finding independent outlets and spending millions on direct flights to outer space.


Charles Simonyi, a recipient of millions thanks to the success of his Microsoft Word program, flew into space this week on the Soyuz TMA-10 capsule out of a station in Kazakhstan. In the cold war days the Republican Senator from Wisconsin Joseph McCarthy would have called Simonyi a pinko commie and blacklisted he and his good pal Martha Stewart from the American system. But that time has now past. Now people like James Doohan, famous for playing Scotty the space mechanic on Star Trek, will be amongst 200 cans of dirt people catapulted into the cosmos on April 28 inside a homemade metal contraption called SpaceLoft XL. No one made a fuss when Bones died, as he was an alcoholic garbage pail. Sir Richard Branson should have his $242 million dollar complex in New Mexico shooting Joe and Jane Humanoid on five minute trips of weightlessness with a price tag of $245,000 a pop in the not so distant year of 2009. This is the same guy who was spotted sailing up the Thames with the Sex Pistols while celebrating the Queen's Silver Jubilee.

In June of 2006, renown astrophysicist and creepy cripple Stephen Hawking, told a news conference in Hong Kong, "Once we spread out into space and establish independent colonies, our future should be safe." People of the United States our time is now. We must invade space. Billionaires and dead celebrities and talk show hosts and news anchors and athletes and supermodels and actors and heiresses and pop stars welcome! We must shock and awe the solar system with our collective incompetence. Thousands of planets are ripe for destruction and we are just the stupid race to annihilate the whole goddamn good time. Let's not worry about health care or minimum wage or wars that make us yawn. That crap is boring! We have plenty of bombs and dozens of new capitalist crusaders emerging each day in this prospering economy. We are smart and rich and beautiful and owe it to the constitution to explode the galaxy. America is the best country in the entire space time continuum. Don't let another country spoil our fun. We rule this planet and therefore the solar system belongs to the red white and blue. I'm talking to you America. This summer, let's pop open a Budweiser and fuck up the universe.


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Spaceballs: The Reality