While thousands of angry protestors are violently thrashing Germany weeks before the G-8 summit, thousands of our country’s mush brain zombies have stormed the studios of CBS Television City California, drooling to consume every last bite of Bob Barker, during the ultimate showcase showdown of The Price Is Right.
The most disturbing quote came from a NASA engineer out of Houston named Mark Dub. This government employee, paid to explore the fertility of the cosmos for the survival of our species, admitted to the world that he’d “rather win a couch from Bob Barker than a million dollars from Howie Mandel,” proving that we Americans love to pit people against each other and instigate an unnecessary conflict, and Texas is in serious need of an Ikea.
Phillip Barrett, a 24-year jerkoff, whom I call a jerkoff because I think he is one, traveled across this spectacular country from Tampa Florida, and has been wearing a t-shirt that I made for him which says “jerkoff” on it, while living outside of the studios since Saturday, when the taping is scheduled for today. Barrett, whose twisted mental problems became more apparent, admitted he gets “teary-eyed” just thinking about hearing the 83-year-old’s trademark signoff, “have your pets spayed and neutered.”
Another Nobel candidate, Melanie Zepeda Velez of Alberta, Canada, proudly told the Associated Press, “I’m here because I need to kiss Bob.” Lest we forget that since 1996, the silver fox has been sued by six women for gross charges ranging from sexual harassment, to racial discrimination. Five of the cases resulted in Barker stuffing their mouths with cash, solidifying the theory that our U.S. dollar is the world’s best silencer. Just what was the name of Barker’s lawyer, and why wasn’t his name leaked to Scooter Libby? And speaking of courtroom farces of lucid insanity, when are they going to convict Phil Spector’s hair of murder?
The rocket scientist declared Barker, who did shine when he knocked the stupid out of Sandler in Happy Gilmore, “part of American culture,” and witnessing something as important as a game show in an imaginary universe called television was “the chance of a lifetime” according to the jerkoff.
At a time when Vladimir Putin is feeling the effects of global warming so badly, that he is threatening to reheat the cold war, I believe it is best to quote the famous Soviet-born American comedian Yakov Smirnoff. “America: What a country!”