List of Things Running Through My Head During This Sunday’s Early Morning Presidential Debates
1. I’m eating bacon!
2. Bill Richardson needs someone to press all the air out of his face.
3. Instead of “campaign staff,” Mike Gravel has a crack team of stuffed teddy bears that travel with him at all times to advise him on matters of public policy.
4. Dennis Kucinich’s teeth look like they are made of pearls or maybe small ivory chips.
5. Chris Dodd seems like a mean alien from the Star Wars interstellar tribunal.
6. Someone should cast John Edwards in a remake of My Fair Lady (or Pygmalion) but instead of unlearning a cockney accent he would have to lose his Southern twang. Also: Nancy Pelosi could be Henry Higgins!
7. Joe Biden should grow a long grey beard and carry around a gnarled divining stick and shake it at George Stephanopoulos and only answer questions about America’s involvement in Iraq using Biblical pronouns.
8. Sometimes I look at Hillary’s strange, mid-thigh length shirts and think, If she weren’t wearing pants, that would be a really, really short skirt! But of course she has to wear these long shirts because otherwise the fist-sized robots that live in her chest would escape.
9. Every time Barack Obama sneezes, a little baby is born.