I’ll admit it. For the 30 minutes before My Name Is Earl came on I watched the MTV “documentary” Britney: For The Record. In an apparent attempt to shed your once-crazy exterior (and ultimately promote a new single and the release of your new album Circus), “no topic was off limits. No question went unanswered.” I can think of a couple.
But before you — or anyone reading this — get the wrong impression, I’m not looking to bombard you with questions of ill will that will leave you in tears. MTV has done a good enough job exploiting your psychological weaknesses and inner turmoil to propel you to the number one Google-searched celebrity of 2008 (we counted 5 Britney searches in the top 100 of today alone). Sure, the whole shaved-head breakdown you had after you and Kevin broke up may be the defining moment of your fall from grace. But we can’t forget that it’s also the reason for your “comeback,” so I’m sure everyone in your camp is probably just a little bit happy about your problems.
Alas, no. I don’t want to talk about your breakdown. I don’t want to talk about Kevin. I don’t want to talk about your parents, your kids (no offense), your handlers, the paparazzi or what hell it must be like living a life with “no excitement, …no passion. It’s just like Groundhog Day every day.” Because you wouldn’t be human if the life you lead didn’t make you “sad” sometimes (and if I must confess, your breakdowns are some of the few things that make you a real person as opposed to just another pretty face on a channel that used to play music).
Which brings me to the one topic MTV didn’t feel the need to address: your music.
I don’t care if you write the songs or not. I don’t care if you perform live with a headset microphone but have to be handed another mic to speak in to. I don’t care if the only place your name appears on the record is the front cover. But there is a process to creating mega-hits like the ones you do and I want to get to the bottom of it. All of your critics will claim it’s mainly due to the drama in your life, not because of your talent, and I want to help you dispel that notion. Because as MSNBC already did a fine job of re-capping, you revealed very little about yourself last night. And the only conclusion I could come to is because it’s all we ever hear about. Not to trivialize your issues, but have you ever heard that saying about the dead horse and what happens when you beat it?
So there it is. My open call to interview you. We can talk about whatever you want (like, maybe actually something good in your life). We can do the interview wherever you deem appropriate. My only request is that there are no television cameras present — something tells me you’re a lot different when they’re not around. The request has been sent to your publicist. I eagerly await your reply. Until then, I would like to take this time to wish you a very happy 27th birthday.