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Cyriously: An Open Letter to Alicia Keys

aliciakeys-cyriously-column

Each week Cyrus Kyle Langhorne weighs-in on hot button topics with his sharp commentary. This week’s subject: Alicia Keys

Dear Alicia Keys,

Or should I call you the heartbreak kid? Nah, let me stop playing, I actually think Common left you for a more muscular butt, but this is not why I am writing you this (Suite 903) letter. Your speculated, gossiped, rumored, expected baby is going to be the R&B Antichrist, sorry, but it is true. Sure, you can write me off as a blogger trying to stir up a bit of controversy just to get this section/posting a few extra clicks, but at the end of the day, you and I know what is really going on. Let’s take a quick look at your past history and go from there.

You entered the scene in the 1990s. A straight up New York City-slicker. Sure, your first few albums got you a ton of Grammy nominations and wins but even more interesting was your sexuality. Man, I still remember being in high school and joking around with my buddies about which R&B singers you were most likely sexing up. Time passed and you decided to kick the long dresses and sandals for a few pairs of pumps and a few “thuggy”-type fellas amongst the likes of Mos Def (”You Don’t Know My Name”), Method Man (”Got You”) and Usher (”My Boo”). Mef was the most “thuggy” out of the crew, but nonetheless, you were once again on the mind of e'rry fella who had ever picked up a Black Men magazine or even a few of those Maxim guys looking for a little swirl in their lives. Some time passes and you get linked to your producer, Common and another guy here or there… nothing too official. But then! Boom! Swizzy! You stick with the light-skinned complexion and go after Swizz Beatz. No, no worries, I am not going to blast you for taking part in Swizz Beatz leaving/divorcing R&B singer/wife Mashonda after they had a child together. No, I actually feel you just supplied the goods (i.e. “Milkshake”) and had Swizzy coming back for seconds. I must say, your devious and clever Twitter messages and ability to fall back from the spotlight by coming out with hits after hits like “Un-Thinkable” and “Empire State of Mind,” man oh man. Very impressive.

Now let’s fast forward to 2010, the “baby,” baby. At first I shook off the rumors and laughed at all the speculation. Alicia Keys “knocked up” by Swizz? Pweeease. You would have to be kidding, right? Nerp… I would not accept it. Then, as I kept hearing more and more speculation and then the photos began emerging showing your baby bump, ouch! Let’s be honest, Alicia, you have never shown signs of gaining weight these past few years and to see what I have seen lately? Err... too soon! You are only 29! (laugh)

Look, it is none of my business what happens outside of your studio sessions and I am all for bringing in new life, but if what I am reading and seeing is true, about your relationship with Swizzy getting blown up to the point of marriage and a new baby? Really? I still am in disbelief. You must not have read my recent Baby Mama posting when I credited you and Beyoncé as being able to find the most success out of these other R&B shorties most thankfully because of an ability to not have kid(s) and relate to 85 percent of your fanbase which mostly consists of highschool, college and early graduate students. It was thanks to you and Beyoncé, we were able to see R&B still do stupid record sales allowing the possibility of platinum records still existing in a climate where your favorite artists are taking it to the UStream channels just to get a buzz going. So your baby, the heart of my “letter” to you. Congratulations because without denying its upcoming delivery and allowing fans to keep uploading their Flickr shots for the entire World Wide Web to see, it is evident we are going to get a bright, light beauty in the months to come. I would love to point out the artists who have recently had babies and the effects it has had on their careers. Usher recently had his second child, I believe, and not only did his co-owned Cleveland Cavaliers lose in the second round of the NBA play-offs this year, but his album sales have been lower than Kat Stacks’ Internet etiquette standards. Oh, what about The-Dream!? You know, “Radio Killa?” Seems like he has also suffered bad record sales since not only marrying Christina Millian but also having a child with her….even worse is the fact he has yet to receive a Grammy nomination for any of his albums, which has led to some pretty upset tweets over the past few months.

Well, let’s not focus on the negative and the bad “coincidences” of other R&B artists, because you clearly have paved the way for a lot of these newcomers. But, your baby? Err, I wonder what is the nicest way I could put this. Your baby is going to end your career, sorry but it is true, unfortunately. Sure, it may seem dope because you will have some new subjects to sing about: “A Baby’s Worth,” “If I Ain’t Got Your Diapers," “Super Nanny.”

But at the end of the day, your baby is going to come between you and your fans. Even if all goes well and Swizz Beatz happens to be the best husband in the world, the image of you and a baby is ultimately going to kill your steez, and there is no way around it. Once I found out about Kelis having Nas’ baby, I was turned off. How in the world could I imagine her “Milkshake” after such news? Sure, I may be nearing my mid-20’s, but at the end of the day, believing a sexy singer like yourself pushed out a baby through the one area most perverted young guys only dream about as they pin up their favorite “R&B” hotties on their bedroom ceilings is too difficult to understand or believe. Eh, take it from me, most of my friends don’t even believe women go No. 2 in the bathroom, let alone pass gas, so a baby will only be worse.

Maybe I have scared you, maybe I have angered you, maybe I even caused a few soft smiles and those cheek bones to swell up a bit. Shucks, at this point, what more can I say which either has not been said or which is too late to say, right? I just had to let you know Alicia, unless you take a “studio break” for the next eight months and make us believe you were vacationing in Hawaii like Kanye West just to free your mind (but secretly have your baby), then the R&B world will never be the same. And finally, I must say, please tell Swizz Beatz I blame him entirely for this situation. You are just playing the young, innocent-but-bad girl who got a bit sassy on the last project and still managed to sell units. You, in no way, shape or form should be penalized. I hope this message reaches you safely, in a blog, tweet, or even MySpace message sent to the head of your fan club. With nothing but love and tenderness until it is truly revealed you have given birth.

-Cyrus

Cyriously: An Open Letter to Alicia Keys