Each week Cyrus Kyle Langhorne weighs-in on hot button topics with his sharp commentary. This week’s subject: Mashonda.
To anyone who is still settling in their Memorial Day cook-out (veggie burgers, I see you!) grub and to all those love bird hopefuls hoping to murder every day prior to June 21st just to get their "Summer Love" on and poppin'. I would like to take a moment of your time to declare myself and my love for Mashonda, one of the best-looking MILFs in R&B.
By this point, everybody's FaceBook, MySpace and Twitter pages have probably been Black Friday shopping day-invested with messages and posts speaking on Alicia Keys officially dropping her Eagle Eye down on Swizz Beatz by not only having her first child with the big homie but also wifing him. Sorry Swizz, at this point, you gotta fall back and play wifey to Alicia Keys. No other female artist (barring Beyoncé, of course) compared to Alicia is more critically-acclaimed for her music and her toughness and overall appeal. I also have a hunch that her paper stretches to "Un-Thinkable" measures just saying...
Anyway, with these two love birds officially err "in love," I figure this is my perfect opportunity to make a run for Mashonda. Sure, in past posts I have whined and moaned about "English Muffin Sex" amongst the lines of wanting Sade and Corinne Bailey Rae and well, why not a small dose of Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse at the same time, right? But something about Mashonda has really had a turn-on effect.
Could it have been those rants where she had to play the innocent-but-episode-12-the-good-wife-is-really-Common-"Testify"-Queen-Penn wife to Swizzy, which drew up my attraction to her a lot more? I mean, shucks, who has not heard the story, again and again where the baby mama (child's mother) has been cheated on and had nothing but love within the failed relationship which left no choice but a divorce? I mean, the story is quite common if you ask me, nonetheless though, turns out Mashonda is "really" out there on the market.
Sure, she may have had a few jump-offs, shucks, even rumors spread about Beyoncé getting a bit of body guard (shout-out to Costner, Houston!) action from her security. (laugh) Anyway, at the end of the day, jump-off or not, Mashonda is a single mother raising a child in a world filled with dope beats and new material fans are just dying to hear her sing-spit on, seriously. Let's be honest, Mashonda has done more interviews about this messy divorce from Swizzy than she has ever done for album promotion.
So, I want to be the stay-at-home-daddy for Mashonda, seriously. Not only am I a young, fly, sorta fella, but I am extra good with kids. You need your son to learn how to play sports? I did varsity basketball and cross country (ha, ha...laugh it up readers!) back in highschool, I am overly qualified. Need the little guy to eat a natural, organic meal? Shucks, I have Whole Foods on the GPS system, home girl, who are you kidding? Yes, it is true, I am willing to sacrifice my abstinence for a shot to be Mashonda's "new" man and baby-sitter, all-in-one. Think about it, with somebody like me, 'Shonda could actually hit the studio without having to worry about some family member searching drawers and G-strings for sex tape material or, even worse, the pervert neighbor pulling a Something About Mary Woogie moment just to get a few Tony Montana-type hits off the shoe game. Ugghhh...
But all in all, let's keep things "a hundred," I want Mashonda back. As I said in past posts, the beautiful birth of a child is a gift and curse. True, the gift of life is something we can all learn to appreciate, but the hit it takes on an artist's career is catastrophic. Sure, there are always a handful of emcees/singers who can pull it off, but at the end of the day, naahhh...not likely. Even though I feel Keys' stock value is going to go down, down baby after this baby enters this world, I feel like playing devil's advocate and saying Mashonda should take this opportunity to run game.
Yes, the ultimate marketing strategy known for working with some of hip-hop's biggest artists will and should be an influential tool in Mashonda's 2010 game plan. Here is how I see it: Keys is pregnant, for real for real this time. Well, as the pregnancy begins to grow deeper and deeper, Mashonda should start making subliminal tracks, something along the lines of...
You think you know but you don't see, I drove all those and tossed out all those KEYS.
And we should be together, baby you're in need...you hear my love, you feel my lips, listen to my heart BEATZ.
(laugh) Look, never one to dismantle a "happy" marriage, but Mashonda's studio time while I stay at home taking care of the little man would go smoothly. Sure, there would be the kinda, sorta, not really "denial" she would do in interviews about the records but at the end of the day, her buzz would once again grow. Then, what? The Cyrus Work Out Plan. Not really, but as Mashonda leaves the baby duties to me, then she would increase her time and efforts to hit the gym. I'm talking about getting her body into the "Celebrity Fit Club" extreme mode, where the "a** is fat, frame is little, door knockers on with the name in the middle" type of look going on for her. Then, magazine covers! Go from online publications to print, get the buzz going. Shucks, I can already see the headlines: "Mashonda: Finding The Key to Her Broken Heart", "Mashonda: Back in Full Effect" etc. Sure, those titles are just toss-outs since I am securing the "real titles" in my handy USB flash drive.
So yes, by this point, hopefully people/readers could see my plot. Not only would the subliminal records have gotten radio play and the gossip blogs popping on the internet, then the images go cwwazy throughout news stands and photo copiers throughout the popular markets. Next? Sex tape. Sorry Mashonda, but in order to put the nail in the coffin, you have to get a "leaked" Swizz Beatz tape out there. Now, as brave as this sounds, let me just go ahead and put it out there. My complexion and nose is extremely close, if not dead-on to Beatz. If it came down to it, I would volunteer to play the role of Swizz on a tape, something much like the Paris Hilton, night-vision tape. The best part? Your denial, of course you could keep saying, "no comment," but how much more fun would it be to say, "That's NOT Swizz." Simply allowing the fans to get more interested, watch the tape more and more, and increase your buzz even more.
Then poof! Album time! At this point, your buzz should have reached a level so intense that no matter what you placed on an 80-minute CD, it is going to sell. My asking price for all this assistance, including baby sitting—25 percent. Just some food for thought, Mashonda, just saying, I'm waiting.