Cyriously: Nick Cannon, You Are NOT The Father...

Each week Cyrus Kyle Langhorne weighs in on hot button topics with his sharp commentary. This week’s subject: Nick Cannon.

Wow, funked up, right? (laugh) Honestly, I apologize to any of the lasting Nick Cannon fans out there but after a week filled with "statements" and concluding with Mariah Carey coming forward to speak on her alleged pregnancy... come on, I "had" to drop a few bars on this silliness. Now just from an editorial piece-perspective (or would it be a blogger perspective?), I must ask for your "understanding" of what I am about to say. Granted, for legal purposes (if any) I will say, "THIS IS SATIRE AT ITS WORST" but just keep in mind my motto, "I keeps it real, son." OK? Got me? Word?

Mariah Carey is pregnant and Nick Cannon is not even close to being the father. If I were a real betting man, I would have bet the house on the New York Yankees last post-season and then my own collection of Booty Talk DVDs that Eminem is more likely to get Carey knocked up than her boy-toy Cannon. Seriously.

I have plenty of theories but let's keep things short and simple. After months of speculation with Carey dropping out of a role in an upcoming Tyler Perry flick and recent shots of her sporting a mini-Homer Simpson bump in the rump stomach, Mr. Carey (Nick Cannon) actually went on to his radio show to give the 4-1-1 on what is going dowwwn with his wife. With more yippity yap than fact-i-ty fact, Cannon used a whole bunch of run-on sentences to basically say he will not confirm/deny the rumors but that it is his wife's decision to speak on the matter.




Word, Nicky? (laugh) Well, it did not take but a mere 48 hours or so before Carey actually came out via a statement addressing the matter.... is she pregnant? Is it all hype? Mariah, what it do????

"I appreciate everyone's well wishes. But I am very superstitious. When the time is right, everyone will know."

(laugh) Yup, pretty plain and simple, no? Even though I would love to scream out, "liar, 'liar" on my Jim Carrey tip while saucing it up with pants on fire just to say she is using this all for attention purposes. I have to admit it, Carey is pregnant and it is not with Nick Cannon's kid.

Look, you want the truth, fine, I know you can handle it...we are living in times when it is more common to discover some of the biggest anti-gay conservative politicians coming out about being homosexuals and even bigger cover-ups with these married senators/governors/mayors who are weekly clients to your typical Bunny Ranch spots, so do not catch feelings or ponder my accusations with a suspicious grin, OK? Cannon cannot be Carey's baby's way, Jose.

For Carey to actually allow Cannon to impregnate her would mean she would actually have to be in love with him. Strike One.

For Carey to actually allow Cannon to impregnate her would mean he would have to make way more $$$ than her. Strike Two.

For Carey to actually allow Cannon to impregnate her would mean she would have to swallow the fact her husband is less respected than Nick Jr. stars. Strike Three.

Nothing against Cannon, but Carey is clearly a cuckoo-bird. The short-lived relationship with Eminem, shucks, even Jay-Z called her crazy on a few records in the past. How about her out-of-the-blue marriage to Cannon? NO ONE saw it coming. (laugh)

Can you even imagine how these two met? Seriously. And please, do not let Wikipedia fool you, if I learned anything from Wag the Dog, it is surely things are never as the appear... no matter "who" says what.

At the end of the day, Carey went the super sperm route which is getting some "secret" sperm of a Pulitzer Prize winner, maybe a swab of DNA from Denzel Washington or maybe even Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant or LeBron James. Take their "goods," plant them in your body and then proceed to go back in your memory banks to what mommy/daddy told you about where babies come from... poof! Newborn baby in about 6-7 months if you ask me.

Now, we have already established my insistence that Cannon is NO WAY going to be, or is, the father, right? Let us briefly take it up a notch. Not only do I believe he is not Daddy Carey, but I actually believe he co-signed the whole ordeal, signing on the dotted line and everything. As coldblooded as it may sound, I really believe Cannon is all about keeping Carey happy. Sure, he has his own radio show, youth and a "wife" most fellas dreamed about roughly two decades ago... but unless you can maintain this woman in your life, well, shucks, you will likely be kicked out to the curb.

You ever see the Dave Chappelle episode where the big homie gets "news" of impregnating Oprah Winfrey? (laugh) I look at this as the same situation. Do not take the light-hearted but loud-mouthed Cannon for granted. He may seem like a sucker but pweease beeewieeve, he knows how to play his cards. Carey is past 40 years-old and wanted to create some type of foundation before she actually hit 4-0.... which is why, I believe, she did some recruiting and found the perfect candidate in Cannon around 2008 and has kept the wheels turning ever since.

He has validity just based off his marriage and Carey is looked at as being where she is "supposed" to be, family-wise, for her age, minus a few years with the pregnancy.

Is it all down hill with Cannon secretly not being the kid's dad? Not at all. Shucks, how many stepfathers are there in the world today? Plenty. Only time will tell at this point but one has to wonder: how much longer before the plug gets pulled and the next marital stunt is introduced? "Secret affairs?" "Leaked sex tape?" "Ustream announcement @ 8 PM?"

We shall see...

Cyriously: Nick Cannon, You Are NOT The Father...