Lil Wayne was freed from Rikers Island this morning after eight months of a one year sentence. While we, and Bill Clinton are ecstatic, his release does bring with it some healthy debate. Two days ago, one of us tried to be a good older sibling and remind her brother to go vote. He attempted to excuse his civil duties with the excuse “Don’t you have to register to do that?” He was promptly reminded that he had registered to vote for Obama (and solely that man) two years ago and that unless he went to jail he was a registered voter for life. He responded “Well jail will never happen—wait—never say never.” At this point the conversation may have come to blows. As far as we’re concerned one can always say never to jail. It is a life goal of ours to die old without having ever step foot in prison. Where does this all-encompassing fear of incarceration come from? Simply put: an extended stay in a four walled cell would only lead to us creating an internal mental Twitter timeline with several personalities until one started doing subliminal tweets at the other and we scratched our eyes out in retaliation.
Weezythanxyou.com is a stunning example of how far technology and serving time has come. Through it, Lil Wayne was able to write stirring prose to his fanbase from jail. It’s like he was grounded in a tower with some super stealth messenger pigeons. However, reading his last letter before this morning’s release, all we could think was: THIS IS WHAT JAIL DOES TO YOU! Dudes, you are not crazy. There is no woman in this picture! We thought it was a Where’s Waldo type of thing but there is no female in this photo. She is imagined, but who exactly is the pretend woman in this picture? Superhead was our first pick but Nivea runs a close second. Then we really thought about it and came up with none other than Katie Couric. The chemistry during that interview was so hot we had to take our Nicki Minaj wigs off and Katie was the best candidate for unrequited love as she is not with Dwayne’s child already. We also began to consider that they may have confiscated Weezy’s mind when they sent him to solitary confinement. Yet, from what we know, the Great Martian sent his sanity ahead to purchase lakefront property on Mars several years ago. Also, how can a crazy man write such poetic metaphors? Example: “I smiled like a child of Christmas.” Are you saying you smiled like baby Jesus? Because he is the only official Child of Christmas we’re aware of and we’re certain he at least smirked when he saw grown men bringing him mad gold. We can feel that, so does that mean we’re crazy? Or did Weezy just mistype on the Rikers iPad?
If we had to pick the loonies here, we would say the fans. Why, you ask? How much time do you have? The site crashes every 10 seconds, which lets you know there are at least 7000 teens on this at one time, making Disney so jealous they’re already looking into purchasing it. We’ve seen him being referred to as “hubby,” “baby” and “boo” at least 12 times. People have left their phone numbers in the comments. Weezy’s mention that one fan should marry another prompts us to believe he was asked to help in the situation. Really you want Weezy to help you get married?! Should we call Charlie Sheen and ask him to negotiate a honeymoon suite for you as well? Weezy your stint is driving these kids to madness!
In the end, as touching as Weezy’s words are, we continue to shun imprisonment because the best we could ever hope for is some tuna being snuck in by our family and a letter from Sallie Mae telling us the day we get out we owe her a loan payment. As for Mr. Carter, we have a few suggestions for what to do with Weezythanxyou.com:
1. Put out an album where you rap each letter over a Swizzy beat, release each one by one on Weezy Wednesdays and make the cover a collage of all the photos you received while in prison.
2. Invite Dr Phil and Oprah to guest blog and let Drake to do a love advice column.
3. Publish them and send the first printing to TI for his next bid.
4. Get them tattooed on your bod—wait that one was not thought out. Get them tattooed on your biggest fan.
God Bless you, Weezy, and welcome home! May you never return to prison.