Suite903: Oprah Still Trying To Light Your Life With Her OWN


In a New Year's Eve dinner discussion that may have reached epic levels after champagne ponies but we're sticking to it, we posed the possibility that Oprah is in fact the Illuminati. Not along with anyone else, JUST Oprah by herself. If the idea of Illuminati is power, influence and all-out global reach than Oprah sincerely fits the bill— the evil conspiracy part is up for grabs. We have friends that refer to Winfrey simply as "Mama Oprah" and we don't fault them. Most of the woman's celebrity is based on her mothering of the American public. She's a philanthropist, wants to cure everything, give you her favorite things and make you well. Her just launched personal television network OWN is just that in a nutshell. Oprah wants to make you your best Oprah. No, she will not be opening a trust fund in your name or even giving you sweet presents, but teaching you to ask yourself, "what if you could have every opportunity she had?" Would you still be a rascal or would you just ball out of control and make people fall at your feet hyperventilating? Would you start a cult of middle-aged women who heeded your every word? Oprah wants to know!

We understand that at first glance this seems like the cheesiest premise on the face of the earth, but lets break this down. With OWN Oprah wants to expose you to all the wondrous things that she has seen and done, which honestly is her decade-old M.O. Oprah has always tried to make our lives more brilliant. Now she's basically taking her show, in it's 25th and final season, and turning into a 24-hour support cycle. Featured shows on OWN include "In The Bedroom with Dr, Laura Berman" and "Ask the Oprah All-Stars" but forget all that. The true libation of blessing and glory on this channel is "Oprah presents Master Class", a show where Oprah picks eight influential people who have impacted the modern world to talk about their lives. Yes, you heard that right: rich people telling you how they got so great. If the spectrum of these eight people doesn't make your head explode then there is no hope for you! Diane Sawyer, Dr. Maya Angelou, Jay-Z, Simon Cowell, Dr. Condoleeza Rice, Lorne Michaels and of course MAMA OPRAH HERSELF. How did Oprah and Jay-Z become such besties? Maybe Obama introduced them? In our dreams he did. We have no idea because last we checked Jigga Man was definitely still using the N-word and Oprah was still in the war against it. Somehow we imagine over quata watas on a Marcy Project stoop they were able to see eye to eye about becoming icons after childhoods of poverty and traumatic experiences. In our hearts we hoped daps and hugs we shared. The point is unlike many others who try to be cool, Oprah is very aware of the world around her but also, intimately, of who she is. Her friendship with Jay-Z makes no sense but looks effortless and is completely uncompromising. Jay may have been a notorious drug dealer at some point but the dude is like the best example of straight and narrow in rap and also a fellow cult leader as well (double play!). Oprah wants the kids of her audience member to come into the prayer circle. She seamlessly adds credibility and relevance to a whole new audience with this partnership and that's sort of what she does best: get into the heads of everybody on earth. Do you see now? ILLUMINATION!

Anyway, we are excited to say the least. Anything that can let us into the minds of billionaire women is a huge YAS! We would like to request a bi-weekly Beyonce segment and Willow Smith workout hour. Oprah hear our prayer! Whether you watch or not, Oprah will inevitably turn huge profits on this, Jay-Z will soon be a mega-gazillionaire and the Illuminati will continue to elude us. The point is in this time of apocalypse and unemployment this may just be what people need: a little inspiration, motivation and enlightenment. Mama Oprah strikes again!

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Suite903: Oprah Still Trying To Light Your Life With Her OWN