Last night at the 53rd Grammy awards, Wayne and Minaj walked the red carpet together but were absent from the events broadcast. Lady Gaga traversed the red carpet in an egg supported by pallbearers. When she hatched out of it onstage she revealed horny shoulder prostheses copied straight from the bony Spring/Summer 2010 Dis Magazine fashion editorial on shoulder dysmorphia that claimed “an elite handful of homosexual men are responsible for the self-esteem of millions of women worldwide.” Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum increased her profile as a beautiful real-sized woman while her band shouted out Augusta, Georgia onstage. B.O.B. appeared in a monocle alongside Janelle Monae. They both did their best to honor the Dungeon Family voice, were then quickly contextualized by Cee-Lo, who appeared with Muppets in a Sun Ra/Dr. John/Peacock ensemble. Gwenyth Paltrow accompanied him with only two slight feathers for flair, but her snug jumpsuit was nevertheless a testament to the Tracy Anderson method. The camera often returned to Will and Jada beaming from the audience, but woefully ignored the frenetic participation of Willow Smith, the most enthusiastic star in the building.
Finally, because of JAZZ MUSIC, dangerously post-pubescent cult leader Justin Bieber can still be marketed as an underdog. After being forced to share the spotlight with Jaden Smith (in leopard print jeans) and a Mortal Kombat drum troupe, Bieber lost the Best New Artist award to Esperanza Spalding, a classically trained, neo-fusion multi-instrumentalist and vocalist raised in Portland, Oregon. His fans swiftly attacked Spaldings Wikipedia page, changing her middle name to “Justin” then “Quesadilla” and adding clauses like “Biber 4 Lyfe” and “go die in a hole. Who the heck are you anyway” to her biography. The edits were quickly removed.
In the last year, Barack Obama chose Bieber to sing at the White House Easter Egg Hunt and Spalding as his Nobel Prize ceremony performer. Everyone’s a winner! It’s Monday morning and Valentines day— we’re already trying to rig our computer speakers to play “Baby” louder and counting down till when we’ll see our BF. See how Bieber tweeted the pain away and Drake balmed his with Hennessy, after the jump!