Actually, the bagel slices are good

I would eat the bagel slices.

March 27, 2019

Today, March 27, 2019, Twitter user @AlekKrautman introduced the wider internet consciousness to sliced bagels which apparently are a thing that exists. “Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!” his tweet read, with a photo that showed a box of bagels each sliced vertically to form precious little bagel slices. Because we live in a hell world where people can’t let people enjoy things, it spawned an avalanche of furious responses, mostly directed at St. Louis’ audacity to mess with a Holy Grail-tier food.


But my thing is like, I would eat the bagel slices. Here’s why.

(Let me preface by saying that though I’m not a native New Yorker, I do live in NYC now, and, like everyone else in this city, have a healthy obsession with bagels. In fact, I frequently broke my gluten-free diet to eat bagels!!! My eczema flares and autoimmune issues would say that that’s big.)

Bagels are hard to eat. As much as I love bagels, which I do very, very much, they are cumbersome food things to eat and I am often momentarily daunted by how I should make my first bite into a bagel. What’s the best angle, and how should I arrange the wax paper so the filling doesn’t spill out all over my lap or worse, the floor? Now that bagels are made as sandwiches — whether we agree with that method or not — it is almost inevitable that the filling, which is always something soft, (unless you’re my coworker who only eats his bagels with warm butter smh) will come spilling out over the edges! Sliced bagels that are thinner and more manageable will definitely help with that. Also, I like the idea of eating several mini sandwiches.

Which brings me to my second point: More surface area equals more opportunity to try different cream cheese toppings. I get anxious when I’m next in line to put in my bagel order and I am still deciding which of the five different cream cheese options, that I’ve already narrowed down to from like the 30 that are available in the deli, to put on my bagel. Do I go with scallion cream cheese which has been my A1 since day one, or do I try something new like the Zaatar because a friend of mine said a coworker of hers tried it one day and it was good?! Or what about the bacon jalapeño because I’m not feeling whole bacon slices on my bagel but I still want a bacon flavor? Or do I get the tofu one because I’m also technically supposed to be dairy-free too this entire time? If bagels were sliced I wouldn’t have to choose, and I could try literally whatever I want. This is the true freedom that I, as an American, deserve.

I know what you’re thinking: “Well aren’t you going to have MORE anxiety trying to decide on FIVE different types of cream cheese to put on each slice of your bagel?”

My answer is yes, but also, picture this: a cream cheese bar. Like a salsa bar at taco places but with cream cheese. I accept PayPal, Venmo and Cash App, thank you.

All I’m really saying here is: no one is trying to take away the original bagel. This is just trying another option! Maybe it’s because I’m a Virgo so I appreciate the efficiency, cleanliness and manageability of a sliced bagel, and I feel like I shouldn’t be demonized for wanting to try it. Though let’s be clear, I WON’T speak on other St. Louis food habits.

Actually, the bagel slices are good