Hey New Yorkers! If you found your cable flickering on and off just now, don’t be alarmed. It’s just that a financial shockwave is running through the Cablevision building.
In his never ending quest to turn the Cablevision-owned Knicks into the basketball version of Heaven’s Gate, Isaiah Thomas, the anti-Alan Greenspan, has acquired occasional All-Star and passing-phobic point guard Steve Francis from the Orlando Magic for Trevor Ariza (ciao, Trev), a one-legged Anfernee Hardaway (RIP Lil Penny), some draft picks, and the promise of free pay-per-view for a year. Upon hearing of the trade Francis exclaimed, “Don’t confuse me for Marbury in this bitch!”
This brings the Knicks payroll up to somewhere in the ballpark of the gross national product of Sweden, and stacks the roster with three (3!) vaguely point guardish dudes (Stephon Marbury, Francis and the recently acquired Jalen Rose) WHO HATE PASSING LIKE FAT KIDS HATE FAT CAMP. Presented with a roster that seems to be the complete anthesis of his team-oriented style, head coach Larry Brown commented, “It hurts when I pee.”
We’re starting to wonder whether Thomas’ tenure is some ellaborate performance art piece, an effort to bankrupt a major conglomerate, or perhaps just another display of business knowhow from the man who put the CBA out of business. All the NYC born-and-raised cats in our office are wildin out right now on some OH IT’S ON NOW shit. We’ll let them have their moment. We remember the last time they were like this and we saw how that worked out.
Here we were thinking that the only hot news coming out of All-Star weekend was gonna be the meeting of the minds at the Houston airport between Patrick Ewing (who played for the Knicks a loooooooong time ago…when they were good) and Jadakiss. We always pegged Pat as more of George Benson/smooth jazz dude, but apparently he’s more of a “spine over bladder” guy. The man enjoys spending time on D-Block! Who among us doesn’t, really?