Video: Willow Smith, “Whip My Hair”


We would like to reiterate our opinion that Willow Smith, youngest daughter of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, is not her purported age of nine but, in fact, a well-preserved 35-year-old, rendered intact and wee by the massive powers of Scientology. Actually, this may be a Children of the Corn scenario, where every under-12 dancer in this video is going to rise up and slaughter all of the adults to create a freakishly talented new world, defined by its inability to age and its precocious maturity. The aliens will swoop down to save Willow's parents, Tom Cruise and Leyomi Mizrahi (whose hair cameos in this video) before the global eradication of all over-20s. The leaders of the new world order will be Biebz, Willow and Diggy Simmons. The government will be Nickelodeon. Sorry Soulja Boy. We are all irrelevant from here on out. Good night.

Video: Willow Smith, “Whip My Hair”