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James St. James Sums up 2014 Perfectly in a Letter to Michael Alig

Yesterday, legendary club kid Michael Alig was released from prison after serving a 17-year sentence for murder, and WOW published an instantly quotable letter that James St. James wrote to bring his buddy Alig up to speed on how the world has changed while he was away (although it looks like Alig figured out how to Tweet from behind bars, so he couldn't have been too out of the loop). St. James is a great comedic writer, as anyone who has ingested his memoir Disco Bloodbath will tell you. His letter is darkly funny and hyperbolic, but it also resonates with a sad, it's-only-funny-because-it's-true tinge of documentary reality. Read some choice quotes below, and check out our interview with nightlife expert Michael Musto on the lingering influence of club kid fashion.

On trendy diets:
"If you need a conversation opener, try 'gluten.' It’s all anyone talks about anymore. Say you’re thinking of going gluten-free, and see how people light up."

On smartphones:
"I still have an iphone 4. Its calculator is an abacus. My Grindr only has Pilgrims in my area who want to hook up. It’s OLD."

On clubbing:
"You aren’t going to believe this one: Clubs play top 40 now. Rihanna, Britney, Katy Perry. That’s it. It’s very sad. The scene has changed. Clubs aren’t the subversive pleasure palaces of yore. Now, it’s just a thousand shrieking girls taking selfies and dancing to 'Wake Me Up' by Aviccii."

On superfans :
"Stay away from Beliebers, Little Monsters, and Directioners. They make holocaust deniers seem well-reasoned. And they will cut a bitch if you cross them."

On today's drug dealers:
"Drug dealers almost always have Party Monster on. Or Kill Bill Volume 2. Literally WITHOUT FAIL. Every drug dealer’s apartment you will ever go to (and I’m not advising you to got to any… but) there they are. There YOU are. On a loop."

On contemporary cuisine:
"OMG. Burger King changed their french fries and the world has never been the same."

On fashion:
"EVERYBODY has killer style now. Kids in Peoria are as fabulous as the kids in Williamsburg. It’s all rather dizzying, and kind of depressing. When everybody is fabulous, nobody is."

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James St. James Sums up 2014 Perfectly in a Letter to Michael Alig