How To Watch The Super Bowl And Not Be Bored To Death

You know what’s boring? Football. You know what’s not boring? Gambling.

The NFL is evil, but it's also inevitable: on Super Bowl Sunday, 2016, somewhere north of 110 million people will again be tuning in. That means, most likely, you too. But what do you do if it's not actually your love of football but, rather, your love of various dips—and, of course, your utter, pathetic weakness in the face of social pressure—that's brought you to the Super Bowl party? In other words: how do you watch the Super Bowl with your friends without being bored to tears?

Easy: gamble on it.

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Gambling destroys lives. But before it destroys them, it makes them a whole lot more interesting. The key is to keep it small-scale. And that’s where prop bets come in.

What’s a prop bet? Basically, it’s any bet that isn’t actually tied to the outcome of the game. It’s a real thing: both in the many casinos of Vegas and on the gambling sites of the internet, you can currently make wagers as to any number of wonderfully inane, possibly tragic situations. (WILL THERE BE AN EARTHQUAKE DURING THE GAME? Odds: 10/1. WHAT COLOR WILL THE LIQUID BE THAT IS POURED ON THE WINNING COACH? Odds: Orange 5/4. Blue 3/1). The figure estimated to be gambled on prop bets this year by Americans collectively is a cool $1 billion.

But those are prop bets for a general audience, one that actually has at least a passing interest in what happens on the field. With that in mind, we’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of prop bets attuned to your very interests, ones you can wager on directly with your friends, family, fellow bored party attendees, or internet dates. We’ve got rappers! We’ve got sharks! We’ve got Tina Knowles’ Instagram! We’re here for you, Theoretical Loyal FADER Reader That Hates Football But Will Still Be Watching The Super Bowl.

Lady Gaga is singing the National Anthem. Will she or will she not manage to make herself cry?

Rapping animals in commercials. Will there be over or under seven?

Rapping grandmas in commercials. Over/under three?

Rapping rappers in commercials. Over/under five?

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With Fuller House fast approaching, the cast of which once-beloved-but-now-forgotten sitcom will reunite via commercial to drum up interest in a Netflix reboot?

(a) Step By Step
(b) Family Matters
(c) Alf

Bring up Left Shark with a complete stranger at the party. If you can sustain the conversation for two minutes, you win, and you friend has to chug a Bud Light Platinum. If you cannot sustain the conversation for two minutes, you lose, and you have to chug a Bud Light Lime.

Same as the last one, only now you have to bring up RIGHT SHARK in conversation.

Will or will not a white person dab?

Will or will not the whitest person—aka Denver Broncos' quarterback Peyton Manning—dab?

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When pressured to take a group dabbing photo the purposes of which are explicitly to be posted on the host's Instagram account will you resist or succumb?

Will or will not someone at your party make a dip cheekily inspired by a presidential candidate?

Will or will not someone at your party make a dip cheekily inspired by a meme or otherwise viral piece of content?

Will you or will you not manage to successfully avoid getting your thumb in the dip all party long?

Will Ms. Tina Lawson's Instagram be more exciting than the majority of the third quarter action?

Exciting!!!

A photo posted by Tina Knowles (@mstinalawson) on

Will or will not the cameras get a shot of Gwyneth Paltrow doing the nae nae during Coldplay's set?

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Will you or will you not get a text from your mom at some point after halftime that says something to the affect of "Oh my gawd that Bruno Mars is sooo talented"?

Will standing next to Beyoncé during the halftime show make Coldplay's Chris Martin most closely resemble:

(a) Dickensian street urchin.
(b) Engineer at Spotify who accidentally wandered onto the stage.
(c) Peyton Manning.

(Contingent on the Panthers winning) Number of times Cam Newton mentions Beyonce during his post-game interview. Over/under two?

(Contingent on the Broncos winning) Number of times Peyton Manning mentions Reba McEntire during his post-game interview. Over/under two?

Will Beyoncé drop a surprise album and make everyone forget about the second half of the game?

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February 07, 2016
How To Watch The Super Bowl And Not Be Bored To Death