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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It

September 28, 2005

You are in all likelihood reading this in an office. And in all likelihood there is someone in your office who likes to announce without prompting the wacky news stories of the day. You know what we're talking about: you're staring into the oblivion of your first cup of coffee when Encylopedia Brown pipes in with, "Aardvark runs loose in Costco! Hijinks ensue!" "Baby eats two gallons of calimari! Mother claims, 'I had no idea they served it at Long John Silvers!'" So forgive us for piling on. But these are not your ordinary headlines we're dealing with here. These three stories that have leaked out over the week are on some Twin Peaks-as-produced-by-Jerry Bruckheimer shit, and they are really getting us quite shook as to the viability of reality. Word to Stephen Hawking.

Story number one: Some robots found some pirate treasure. Not just a couple of dusty jewels or some letters from a one-legged rapscallion to his mead-loving wench. No, seems that HAL and Johnny 5 happened upon TEN BILLION DOLLARS in Incan gold. Apparently its been there since 1715. Apparently a Chilean company sent some Gobots to go find it. Apparently, NOBODY THOUGHT A PLACE CALLED ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND WOULD BE A SOLID PLACE TO LOOK FOR BURIED TREASURE. Do we need the place to be called Treasure Island!? It's not like you need a map for this shit.

Okay, the second story, also in the life aquatic. Scientists now have photographic evidence of a giant squid roaming the seas. It's twenty-six feet long. One scientist said, "We believe this is the first time a grown giant squid has been captured on camera in its natural habitat." Nah, son! We got that on our disposable waterproof Fuji. Snapped him this summer at Wildwood! Film at 11. PS: WE ARE NEVER GOING IN THE WATER AGAIN.

Oh, but you're tough, right? You might just say whateverwhatever to a giant squid and go boogieboarding. Well if that's your plan, you may want to keep an eye out for THE DOLPHINS STRAPPED WITH POISON DARTS WHO ARE APPARENTLY ROAMING THE GULF OF MEXICO. Not sexy! Seems these amiable mammals were part of a US military experiment (we guess all that stuff about Wolverine was true), and now, post-Katrina, have found themselves free at sea, packing TOXIC DART GUNS.

Are we all living in some sort of new-school Jules Verne fantasy world? What the bloodclaat? Digest all this info, fair readers. Remember to use the buddy system while in the water. Us? Well after that report, it's Miller time.

Posted: September 28, 2005
It’s The End Of The World As We Know It