SKAM Austin recap: No one should ever have sex

Especially Kelsey!

May 22, 2018

Unlike SKAM Austin, I cannot be relied upon to deliver anything when it is expected of me. That’s why this is coming on a Tuesday. Time is fake, but you know what’s real? Losing your virginity. So let’s get to it and discuss Kelsey diving in head first with Daniel, whether or not it’s normal to bleed during your first time, and appropriate outfits for bowling.

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Megan and Marlon are once again kissing and making up. Has everyone noticed that these two keep ditching each other on a Friday and then making up on a Saturday? Just say you don’t want to hang out! I know I say this every week but these two need to break up. Megan made her way over to see Marlon and he ignored her, was clearly mad at her, and then when she point blank asked him if he was mad, he said no. Teens, this relationship is an important lesson in how to not communicate with your partner.

At school the next day, Kelsey is taking tons of selfies to send to Daniel. They’re “on a three-day streak” so “it’s getting pretty serious.” Kelsey tells Megan and Grace that she’s probably going to have sex with him because ever since she was a little girl watching the Super Bowl she “knew she was going to lose her virginity to a football player.” And while that is one of the funniest line readings of the year, it also made me want to lay down in a ditch and die. Judging by the faces of Megan and Grace, they agreed with me. Grace especially was wary, which made me love her even more. “Your first time should be with someone you’re comfortable with,” Grace says — much better advice than the clichéd idea that it should be with someone you love. Kesley asks if she can borrow some of Megan’s birth control pills, which is further proof that she should not be having sex at all.

Kelsey then tries to convince the girls to kick Zoya off the team for the salsa-throwing incident. The girls are not into that either, because they are good people who know a bad bitch when they see one.

The next clip was like, whatever. Megan’s mom is driving her to school. Something I love about this show is that you never see the faces of the parents. It’s like the adults in Peanuts or the spouses in In The Mood For Love, a strong cinematic choice that cements you into the world of the protagonists. The important thing that happens in this scene is that Megan sees an ad for a Kendrick Lamar concert that’s happening on Friday. A sidebar here is that there literally was a Kendrick Lamar concert in Austin this past Friday. Julie Andem’s mind never ceases to amaze me.

Smash cut to: Megan and Marlon furiously making out at school. Just all over each other. Tyler and Shay break up the party, and Marlon tells them about the Kendrick tickets Megan got for the two of them. And then, in a moment everyone fears, Megan’s friend groups meet each other. Kelsey and Jo show up to tell Megan that the dance team has been approved by the principal and that Zoya is still “technically a part of it.” Jo does these flirty eyes at Tyler while playing with a straw in her mouth in a way that I’m sure she thinks is seductive. I ship it.

When the dance team meets the next day, Zoya is unapologetic and bails early which earns her the respect of everyone but Kelsey. Jo makes Kelsey take an online quiz titled “Are you ready to lose your virginity.” Spoiler alert: she’s not!!! Of course she doesn’t realize that though. She asks the age-old first-timer question: “Does it hurt?” Everyone has different answers, which is a nice detail that makes the show all the more realistic. Sometimes it does hurt! Sometimes people bleed! For some people it’s easy and painless! We are all on our own journeys, but if I can address the teens again: Use a little lube.

Grace tries to get Kelsey to figure out what turns her on about Daniel, and Kelsey monologues about what she’ll look like when it all goes down. Daniel does not appear in this fantasy. Speaking of the devil, he eventually invites Kelsey on a date for the next night. He and Hot Boy Jo are going bowling, and they want Kelsey and Megan to join them. Megan says she can’t go because of the Kendrick concert, but obviously gets sucked into going because this is television and we love conflict.

The perfect curl with the perfect girl!

A post shared by Kelsey (@kelseybear2002) on

In this show’s great tradition of montages, we see the boys pick up Megan and Kelsey and watch like six frames of a bowling game all set to “Backseat Freestyle.” Megan is dying to leave but Marlon hasn’t texted her yet so she’s anxiously chillin’. Hot Boy Jo gets Megan to admit that they did hook up at a Halloween party last year, and that it was very hot.

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Megan takes this opportunity to bring up her boyfriend, and Hot Boy Jo is sad. I am too! Hot Boy Jo seems like he would be a much better boyfriend based only on the fact that he’s actually interested in her. Because he’s a nice person, Hot Boy Jo tells Megan that if she’s waiting for a text from Marlon she should go outside because there’s no service in the bowling alley.

As she rushes outside to go meet Marlon, he tells her he’s running late and she breathes a sigh of relief. But THEN, she sees Marlon running to a car. That’s weird. And who is in that car? Abby! Megan’s nemesis! What is he doing in that car with her? Why is he being so shady? How boring would any TV show be if no one ever lied? I have no answers, only the promise of more SKAM Austin clips.

Extra Thoughts

- Grace really earnestly telling Kelsey “you look fire” is a great friendship moment but also sounds so wrong coming out of her mouth.
- I think I would still watch this show if it was just entirely slow motion footage of teens hanging out. Is that the creepiest thing anyone has ever said? Maybe!
- Kelsey describing making out with Daniel as “It was like he was going down on me, but in my mouth” makes me never want to have a child.
- Jo hitting on Tyler in Spanish and him responding in Spanish made my whole entire heart sing.
- Kelsey wearing the exact outfit she describes in her fantasy to the date is A+, but so hard to bowl in! Who wants to do that much bending in a short dress? Not I.

SKAM Austin recap: No one should ever have sex