It is my pleasure to announce to you all that the teens are back on their bullshit, and that I was a fool to think they were ever even off of it in the first place. This week’s episode was the most eventful of the season, and where else would it take place other than a school dance? Like any good teen narrative, SKAM Austin knows that putting a bunch of dramatic youths in formal wear is a recipe for success, and boy did they dive headfirst. This week gave us virginity loss, heartbreak, and a live version of a Robyn song immediately followed by the studio version of that very same Robyn song. Which is to say, this episode gave us everything.
There were only three clips leading up to the big Friday clip this week, which was a whopping 19 minutes long. Although that’s where almost everything exciting happened, Aristotle wrote that plot is the first and most important thing in Tragedy, so let’s start from the beginning.
Megan picks up Shay for a car hang, equipped with a smoothie in tow for her pal. Shay has maybe never had a smoothie before? She looks at it the way you might look at a UFO that crashed in your backyard. That is all beside the point, since Megan is there to confront her about Marlon, who she saw get into Abby’s car last week. Shay plays dumb before telling Megan that she should “bust his ass.” I agree! Then she continues to prove herself to be the show’s secret best character by asking Megan point blank, “Do you want to be with someone you can’t even trust?” Which Megan reads the absolutely wrong way and decides that she should tacitly trust him because he’s her boyfriend. I want to root for Megan, I really do, but she makes it so hard. Anyway, Shay doles out another good piece of advice, which is that Megan should just confront Abby directly. We’ll see how that goes.
At school the next day, Kelsey cannot stop talking about losing her virginity to Daniel. They did it “like three times,” which seems like a lot for a first time, but I am not here to cast judgment upon the sexcapades of fictional teenagers. While this is all happening, Marlon is texting Megan from across the quad, trying to get her attention. Megan is not having it. The on-screen texts are a kind of genius way to have two plots going at the exact same moment, because just as Marlon’s wave is met with meager acknowledgement, Kelsey says, “Do you think his stuff is still inside me?” Bing, bang, boom, two major situations we have to deal with right away. Let’s focus on Kelsey for a sec.
Daniel didn’t wear a condom when they were hooking up because he “prefers actually not to use one.” Which Kelsey thinks is sweet because he said he “wanted to feel [her] without anything between” them. Gross, gross, gross! This is, uh, coercion. Grace is sufficiently horrified, like any good friend would be if you slept with a true asshole. In a moment that hurt my heart, Daniel walks by with his squad and Kelsey tries to say hi and he gives her only the slightest nod and keeps on walking. Getting ignored by the object of your affection hurts, but I would argue that it sucks in almost equal measure to be in the “I told you so” position that Grace is in.
As a button on the clip, Hot Boy Jo comes over to talk to Megan. It’s a nice nod to how someone who likes you should actually treat you, and sets up that the two of them are going to see each other at the dance. Sick.
The next day Megan confronts Marlon about getting into the car with Abby. He straight up says, “that wasn’t me.” Marlon isn’t even a good liar! Listen, I support lying in two cases: 1) when you’re scamming wealthy people out of their money and 2) I can’t even think of a good second reason. Even if I could, it wouldn’t be gaslighting your girlfriend. The two continue to fight and it ends in this weird moment where Marlon gets on the hood of Megan’s car? And won’t let her leave until she lets him in? Then the camera stays wide and we can’t hear what’s going on but we see them make up? There’s some kind of weird Gregorian chant-type music happening in the background? It was all very weird and I’m ready to move past it.
OK, it’s dance time. Cue the aforementioned live version of Robyn’s “Indestructible” which is, for some reason, backed by the school’s orchestra. My school always got a DJ, but go off.
Kelsey is still talking about Daniel. It still hurts. He told her he wasn’t going to come to the dance, but there he is. Zola is the only person with the balls to say that Daniel isn’t into her, which is both rude and true. Kelsey’s feelings are hurt and she storms off. It’s one of those things where you understand both sides. Zoya maintains that if Kelsey’s friends won’t tell her the truth, who will?
Next, Megan confronts Abby and it’s just as bonkers as I thought it would be. Abby, once again wearing white, smiles like a shark baring her teeth. She confirms that she was with Marlon on Friday, and Megan tells her to go to hell. Just to round it all out, by this point they are playing the studio version of “Indestructible.” Megan storms out of the dance and texts Marlon that she knows everything.
Guess who else is outside the dance? Hot Boy Jo. He comforts Megan in her time of need, which obviously leads to them having a quick and hot make out sesh. Hot Boy Jo tells her that it’s annoying that they keep doing this weird stop-start thing, but then his GIRLFRIEND shows up??? What!
Of course, his girlfriend is a lovely person who talks Megan down from her freakout. She also mentions that Hot Boy Jo treats her “with so much respect,” which is hilarious. She calls Meg “Maggie.” We love a clueless sweetheart.
After, in a real Say Anything moment, Marlon shows up outside the dance after his car broke down. He and Megan walk to a bridge to have their Big Moment, during which Marlon reveals that he has been selling Abby Adderall (I knew it!) and that’s why she was in his car last week. Megan is concerned that her boyfriend is a drug dealer, a label he denies despite the fact that he is, in fact, selling prescription drugs to other people.
Somehow Marlon flips it into like, a thing about his parents? For him, I guess, selling drugs means that he can support himself and he doesn’t have to answer to his parents. It keeps him from being under their thumb. In a truly bonkers one-two punch, Marlon tells Megan that she deserves a medal for dating him AND that he’s hurt she thought he was cheating. Boy, you do not get to lie out your ass and then get mad that your girlfriend knew you were lying! In true SKAM Austin fashion, these two kissed and made up and I almost threw my computer at a wall. But then how would I watch the next clip?
- Do teenage boys really snap photos of girls’ blood after they have sex as a trophy? That’s horrible and insane, and once again I am thankful that Snapchat hadn’t taken off when I was in high school.
- Kelsey talking about the condom and saying “I brought it with me” is hilarious and heartbreaking. - I literally will never trust anyone who says they have a latex allergy. You better be bringing your own condoms then, Daniel!
- Hot Boy Jo’s 17-year-old girlfriend telling 16-year-old Megan that things will get better when she gets older is hilarious. Hardcore Clueless vibes.