It took six weeks, but SKAM Austin has finally become the great show I always wanted it to be. It feels like one of those videos where you watch someone paint and it looks like just blobs on a canvas the whole time and at the end they flip the canvas rightside up and you’re like, Oh, that’s a beautiful portrait. We have reached the beautiful portrait portion of the season, where everyone’s plotlines are intertwining and there’s nowhere for any character to hide from their poor decision-making.
This week opened with a particularly long Tuesday clip that was roughly 30% Megan and Marlon making out. Before all the spit swapping though, the girls are gabbing in the bathroom. Kelsey is wearing Daniel’s football t-shirt, which he gave her after they had sex. It’s particularly upsetting after he hooked up with another girl at Spring Fling last week, like, c’mon Kelsey. Grace tries to bring this up, but Kelsey says that it’s totally normal to hook up at Spring Fling. Everyone does it! Including Penetrator Jo. Dun, dun, DUN. If we all remember, Penetrator Jo (who will henceforth be referred to as Hot Boy Jo) hooked up with Megan at the dance before introducing her to his girlfriend. So, everyone is cheating on everyone, and there’s no possible way that can go wrong.
The girls bump into the Marlon/Tyler/Shay triumvirate as they’re leaving the bathroom, and Megan jumps on Marlon like a lion who hasn’t eaten in a week. They make out furiously while everyone else is forced to watch. Jo makes googly eyes at Tyler some more. After what feels like a billion years of watching Megan and Marlon make out, we’re off to band practice.
Marlon, Tyler, and Shay are trying to work out a show in Tyler’s garage. They’re arguing about whether or not to start a song with a rap, which sounds… bad! Maybe one day we’ll get to see a full song from this band, at which point I will delight in giving a full review (my guess is that it sounds like Gym Class Heroes but that’s based on just about nothing).
Tyler and Marlon go to get pizza, leaving Megan and Shay alone. Megan reveals that she hooked up with Hot Boy Jo in a moment of weakness. Shay asks if it meant anything and Megan says no, that she was a mess and he was just there. Who can relate! Anyway, Shay convinces Megan to not tell Marlon about the kiss, which is bad relationship advice, but good fuel for a plot engine.
At lunch the next day, Kelsey is still wearing Daniel’s football shirt and doing some weird thing with her salad where she moves all the vegetables off the lettuce and onto a different part of the plate. Megan tries her best to be chill while getting details from Kelsey about Hot Boy Jo’s rumored Spring Fling hookup. Kelsey reassures her that it was probably just his girlfriend, but does note that it’s weird that he has a girlfriend when he asked Megan out on a date. Yeah, that is weird, Kelsey. Push a little further, girl!
Grace sits down at the lunch table and points out to Kelsey that the football boys use their t-shirts to mark who they’ve slept with. Several girls are wearing Bouldin Football shirts with the name of who they slept with on the back. You’d think that maybe the girls would realize what was going on, and maybe they do? Perhaps in this high school ecosystem there’s no shame in being owned if your owner is at the top of the food chain. No one wanted to sleep with me in high school, so idk! Thankfully, Kelsey heeds Grace and realizes that Daniel ain’t shit, but not without first admitting that she felt like it was her fault. This show’s greatest skill is reminding us all that men ain’t shit and that female friendship is the only good thing.
The next day, Marlon sneaks into Megan’s bedroom through the window which is admittedly a hot thing to do. The only problem is that she was trying to call Hot Boy Jo when he came in, and as they’re making out (again!), he keeps trying to call her back. Marlon finally makes her answer, and she pretends it’s Kelsey, but not very well. Marlon points out that the conversation was weird, and Megan very obviously lies to him before they start making out again. Oh, also, Marlon promises that he’ll stop selling Adderall. Whatever, I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.
After school on Thursday, Kelsey assembles the gang for an emergency dance team meeting right next to the football field. She’s brought Daniel’s t-shirt and is going to “teach him a lesson he won’t forget” when he and the team comes outside for practice. Even Grace, an avowed Daniel hater, thinks that telling him off in front of the whole team is a bad idea. But the team is rapidly approaching, so here goes nothing!
So Kelsey tries to tell off Daniel, but he seems oblivious to the whole situation. She is immediately defanged when he calls her “Kelly,” which would be enough to throw anyone off their game. He then bodies her so thoroughly that there’s no way for me to describe it without just giving you the full quote:
“I’m really sorry, but, I think there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, and it may be my fault. If you really think this t-shirt means I look at you as some kind of trophy, you are so wrong. You’re not pretty enough for that.”
Can you believe? This is such a well-crafted and decimating insult that it’s honestly a little unbelievable that it came from a teenage boy. The way he lulls her into thinking she’s getting a real apology, and then totally flips it into the meanest thing ever? Truly brutal. Kelsey understandably runs off, but Grace stays and reads Daniel within an inch of his life. “What happened to you to make you this insecure,” she asks. “Daddy doesn’t come to your games? Actually, I know, you didn’t grow enough hair on your dick in middle school and you were bullied for it.” Daniel looks kinda into it, which is worrying. There is no justice in this world if they hook up.
On Friday, Megan and Marlon are making out on campus again. Who cares. Megan meets up with the girls, who are fawning over Grace for being a badass and reading the Overheard Bouldin Instagram (which actually exists!).
They read one about Hot Boy Jo cheating on his girlfriend at Spring Fling (cue the Jaws music), realize Megan is tagged in the post (crescendo), then turn around to see Hot Boy Jo’s girlfriend Cleo and her squad rapidly approaching (here it comes), and watch as Megan gets socked in the face (blood in the water, beachgoers screaming, we’re gonna need a bigger boat).
Zoya, a legend, immediately lunges forward and pulls some hair. Suddenly we’ve got a full-fledged fight on our hands. It only stops when Cleo gets pulled away from the fray, yelling at Megan that she’s a “fucking whore.” Zoya yells back, “Well, run up then, bitch!” Quite honestly, when will your fave?
Now that everyone on campus is fighting everyone and Megan’s big secret is out, I can only foresee hot drama in the upcoming weeks. Let’s all send a prayer out to our deity of choice that Megan and Marlon finally break up, and she and Hot Boy Jo can get together. Cheaters deserve each other!
- In the scene in Tyler’s garage you can see that Shay has multiple tattoos. Did her parents sign the release form? They definitely aren’t just stick and pokes you get at a party or whatever. Maybe Texas really is as lawless as westerns make it seem.
- Kelsey’s matching polka dot button up and backpack is such a perfect distillation of a character. Visual storytelling, people!!
- Right before Kelsey tries to tell off Daniel you hear Jo say, “What if I don’t want my respect back?” Honestly? A mood!
- When Cleo punches Megan she doesn’t even throw a good punch, it’s like the palm side of her fist hits Megan’s face. Shout out to whoever had the idea that she probably doesn’t know how to punch someone in the face.