What is more Scorpio than aggressively branding an astrological season that isn’t yours as yours? What is more Scorpio than only loving your bed and your Mama as, 1. a big man and as 2. a big man who happens to also be a new father? Nothing, that’s what. Welcome to the Scorpion era — also known as a season of Peak Drake Content and Peak Misdirected Pettiness, of course arriving on the weekend of the hottest heatwave in the Boy’s hometown of Toronto. On the second weekend of Cancer season and at the feet of new moon in Capricorn, it is safe to say that a lot is going on. And while things may change — and many things and people may be hid from the world or the world hid from them or whatever — Drake’s sonic fingerprint remains a beloved and dependable constant. So, all the bullshit aside: let’s have some fun, shall we?
What do the sun, moon, stars, and a lightskin Scorpio man from Toronto say about you? [Usher voice] these are my speculationsssssss.
Signed, your favourite mixxy (don’t Urban Dictionary it) Capricorn sun, Taurus ascendant, and Sagittarius moon’ed up Torontonian Drake theorist.
“Can't Take A Joke,” Scorpion
As the rudest and among the most sensitive signs, Aries are obsessed with being perceived as leaders while constantly reiterating that they, too, are lone wolves. Reputation and power-obsessed, Aries are permanently the meme of Hannibal Buress captioned, “why are you booing me? I’m right!” They think it's everyone else, but the gag is: it’s them. It is always them.
“Shot For Me,” Take Care
Who is more vain than a Leo? Well, maybe a Libra, but we’ll get to that later. Unpredictable, flighty, and armed with a particularly venomous pettiness, Leos are one hundred percent the type to take credit for every single thing (they think) they’ve imparted on an ex of whatever kind. One time for Alicia and Katia — you’re in our thoughts and prayers.
"Practice," Take Care
As a professionally triflin’ sign, Sagittarians just wanna have fun, but struggle with commitment, ego, and generally being around for more than a good time (that is, until they duck out early for the night/eternity). Fun fact: while Sagittarian women are pretty consistently bad bitches, Sag men are devils, only second to Scorpios.
"Still Here," Views
Finally, Taurus! The second best sign of the zodiac! The second best Earth sign! As one of the most grounded, loyal, and trustworthy signs, Taureans are charismatic, self-aware, and love a good, sensible turn up. “Still Here” lays claim to a place, a people, and an unmoving resolve. “I can’t fuck wit’ you no more ‘cause you be actin’ extra”? TAURUS.
“Get It Together,” More Life
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it ‘til the day I die: Virgos are just Earth sign Scorpios. Uptight perfectionists fixated by image, Virgos are perpetually fighting an internal battle to be better — or at least, to look like they’re doing better. And they not-so-subtly demand the same of everyone who crosses their paths, too. I tell y’all because I love y’all. (And before you get big mad, you have both Beyoncé and Michael Jackson — you’ll be fine.)
“Know Yourself,” If You’re Reading This It's Too Late
No bias (all bias), but Capricorns are the best sign. Incomparable work ethic, unwavering loyalty, endlessly witty, emotional intelligence on ten — what more could you ask for? We find the most joy in being around and among our people (read: our chosen family, our friends, the geography we come from), and are nothing if not the life—and resident rallying parent—of the squadron. “Pray the real live forever, man / Pray the fakes get exposed.” Amen and ameen, Aubrey!!!!!!!
“All Me” f. Big Sean and 2 Chainz, Nothing Was The Same
Contrary to popular belief, Geminis are not the worst sign of the zodiac. (I reserve that title for Scorpios, if you haven’t gotten that yet.) While they do have themselves a healthy appetite for gossip and drama, they’re mostly just wildin’ for respect and appreciation. “Should I listen to everybody or myself? ‘Cause myself just told myself, ‘you the mothafuckin’ man, you don’t need no help!’” Need I go on?
“Best I Ever Had,” So Far Gone
The only sign to give Leos a run for their money, in terms of vanity, are Libras. However! Libras are the most rooted Air sign; they’re deeply ethical, contemplative, and when they love, they’re in it for the long haul. They need a lot of compliments, sure, but they deserve them. Are they the best you’ve ever had? Probably so. But if not, it’s probably best you keep that information to yourself.
“Too Much," Nothing Was The Same
The airiest of all Air signs, Aquarians are almost permanently in a dreamscape of their own making. As a sign that has difficulty with compartmentalization and sustained intimacy, Aquarians are susceptible to harboring resentment. Everything is often too much (too much, too much, too much), but a determined Aquarian tries hard to overcome their impulse to shut down and escape, instead choosing honest self-improvement.
“Furthest Thing,” Nothing Was The Same
Ah, the most childlike sign of the zodiac — never come between a Cancer and their Peter Pan complex. In their lucid moments though, Cancers are incredibly clear-headed and have a deep desire to exist in worlds unknown, far beyond the scope of societal norms or obligations. But it’s the follow-through that plagues their greatest ambitions. Keep that same energy all the time, Cancer, and the world is yours. Don’t fuck up and fumble your own bag.
“March 14,” Scorpion
Unrepentant, yet itching for resolution they’re unwilling to work to achieve? Ding ding ding, reader, you got a Scorpio. (Scorpio men, mostly, but the women too, should they go unchecked.) Intelligent, but chooses to coast off a facade of a come-as-you-are attitude. Wants to be chill; is anything but. Manipulative and superficial. A headache and a nuisance. God bless y’all. (And this is me keeping it cute.)
“Legend,” If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late
Pisces are nothing if not legacy-minded. Like Aries, are one of the more sensitive signs, but unlike Aries, know how to relax and celebrate the small things in life. Will threaten you with a smirk, brag with the casual shrug of a shoulder. If you got a Pisces in your life, you likely got a stunner and a comedian. The only water sign that isn’t a total mess (though they love some good tangential drama). For the love of God, don’t get them started on their stories. Or ask them to make decisions. Ultimately, though: Rihanna. Enough said.