The astrological signs as Charli XCX songs

The stars would like a word.

October 26, 2018
The astrological signs as Charli XCX songs

The planets illuminate so much of our lives: our strengths, weaknesses, how we accept love, and which Charli XCX song we’re most like. With a catalogue of warped and bubbly tracks about the virtues of partying and having fun, Charli's an integral player in modern pop music, and today you will accept her as your astrologer. Grab your birth charts and a flute of champagne and buckle up.


“Vroom Vroom”

With little patience and some unshakably brash energy, Aries kicks off the Zodiac year. Its status as the first sign is fitting: Aries often leads the charge, and is hellbent on having the most fun. “Vroom Vroom” is a definitive party song — fast cars, reckless behavior, and two middle fingers to consequences. “All my life, I've been waitin' for a good time,” sings Charli. “So let's ride.”



A hyper-sensory experience loaded with the finer things in life? Taurus is listening. “You're luxurious, I'm stuck / Champagne, cigarettes, convertibles / It's 'bout to pop off.” It’s an incredibly Taurean statement, one that appeals to the earth sign’s penchant for the extravagant. Good luck getting a Taurus to pull back on their hedonism, too; this sign basically invented the concept of being stubborn — probably out of spite.


“Unlock It”

Gemini gets so much undeserved hate, and as a fellow air sign it’s my duty to defend it against this injustice. It’s not being two-faced as much as it is having an innate mutability that allows this sign to shift based on the environment. Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication — which is a cute way of saying that they never shut up. We should embrace it, though! Gemini is a playful story-teller and hanging out with one often feels like a — to quote Charli — rollercoaster ride in the fast lane.



Yes, I’m giving a song about being emotional to Cancer. Known to oscillate between being caring and nostalgic to moody and passive-aggressive, you never really know which kind of Cancer you’ll be dealing with each day. The only constant with this sign is that it will perpetually be in its feelings about something, and it will find a way to terrorize you with its sensitivity.


“I Got It”

You’ll know when a Leo is around. This fire sign has unmistakable star power and knows how to command a room, whether it’s a small group or literally hundreds of people. Charli herself is a Leo, which is obvious as soon as you see her perform. Leo thrives off attention, maybe to a debilitating degree — but who’s to really say. Picking a song that defined all the facets of Leo energy was a bit difficult, but if you ask me, a song that talks about people being jealous of you, casually crashing a Lamborghini, and saying “I Got It” literally 184 times fits the bill.



If the act of making a checklist of tasks were a sign, it would be a Virgo. This earth sign is methodical about getting things done, wearing its perfectionist badge with pride. Virgo can and will nag you within an inch of your life, but it’s always out of love. This earth sign lives to make sense out of messes (be it work or people), but this drive for order can also be a blindspot that leaves it disconnected from its feelings. When Charli says “You know I never really thought about / How it feels to say these words aloud / It's so weird, but it's true,” she’s at peak Virgo.


“No Angel”

Symbolized by the balanced scale, no one does diplomacy better than a Libra. As the sign of partnerships, Libra will do whatever it takes to achieve equilibrium. The downside of that is that this air sign can be so reluctant to rock the boat that they end up rationalizing morally gray behaviors — like cheating and lying — in an effort to please those around them. The silver lining is that it’s ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, so Libra will always look cute when it’s inadvertently ruining your life. Can’t you just imagine a Libra saying “I'm sorry that you caught me / Fuckin' in the hotel, it didn't mean anything” with an innocent smile across their face? I can!


"Nuclear Seasons"

People are often spooked when they hear someone is a Scorpio, and it’s not a totally off-base reaction. Scorpio is the sign of death, sex, transformation, and power — all of which equal extreme levels of intensity. The trope with Scorpio is that it loves revenge (which is absolutely true), but the reason behind Scorpio’s drive for revenge is because they demand unwavering devotion in the first place. This sign will kill for the one they love, or straight up kill the one they love. It just depends. And Charli singing “Let’s die together / no one lives forever,” is as Scorpio-core as it gets.


“5 In The Morning”

Sagittarius is all about expansion. Learning, growing, and anything brimming with adventure has its co-sign. As a buoyant and friendly fire sign, Sagittarius is definitely the likeliest candidate to take a break from partying at 5 in the morning to contemplate the meaning of life. For all its optimistic energy, Sagittarius still calls it like it is. “I know your type, think you're one in a million / Your diamonds are fake, you ain't golden / But I only fuck with the ones who are rare enough.” And if your feelings get hurt in the process, that’s a you problem, not a Sagittarius problem.



Capricorn does not have time for nonsense. This earth sign loves results, a sense of security, and minding its own business. Being a part of a Capricorn’s life means that you’re worth the time and energy it takes for them to deal with you. The least you can do is focus on what an honor it is.



Aquarius is often mistaken for a water sign by astrology newcomers — the sign literally has the word aqua in it and its glyph is the water bearer, after all. But make no mistake, the water that Aquarius is bearing is not of an emotional nature: it’s tea. This certified air sign weirdo is committed to the truth in a way can feel harsh to hyper-sensitive types (I’m looking at you, water signs) and often gets it compared to creatures of limited emotional capacity, like aliens or robots. Aquarius also tends to process emotions by intellectualizing the shit out of them as opposed to, like, feeling. Might as well cue up “Femmebot.”



Generalizations concerning the signs are dangerous — but while we’re on the subject, Pisces is the sweetest sign of the Zodiac. This water sign is the oldest of all the signs, holding the wisdom of all the signs before it and making its empathy and psychic skills reach cosmic levels. The sign is ruled by Neptune, the planet of dreams, which makes those born under this sign range from scattered to downright delusional. What better song than “Boys” — a blissful track about daydreaming your life away — to capture the haziness of the Pisces existence?

The astrological signs as Charli XCX songs