The astrological signs as Vybz Kartel songs

Surfin’ the stars with the Wurl Boss.

Photographer Michael Schmelling
November 20, 2018
The astrological signs as Vybz Kartel songs

It goes without saying that Vybz Kartel’s catalogue is ever-expanding (seriously, has anyone counted how many singles he’s released?), but that’s just a testament to his big Capricorn energy. As you can imagine, being a Capricorn and being Vybz Kartel is actually just peak Jamaican behavior because the level of arrogance that each individually possess, when combined, just soars through the zinc roof.

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Being the GOAT — astrologically, figuratively, literally — Kartel’s unyielding ambition and workaholic tendencies are the driving force behind his ability to push out the hottest records, despite being incarcerated. Because of this, there’s a song for everything and everyone.

Capricorn

"Cake Soap"

“Cake Soap” is pretty much the most Capricorn song Kartel has ever done. First, he samples himself at the beginning of the song and brags that even though he bleaches (lightens his skin), which at the time was seen as taboo, he can still take your girl. If that kind of braggadocio isn’t undeniably Capricorn, then I don’t know what is.

Aquarius

"Life Sweet"

A humanitarian through-and-through, Vybz Kartel never shies away from sharing the raw reality and plight of the ghetto yutes. His unfiltered lyricism, particularly with records that share the experiences of his childhood and what living in his old neighborhood was like, is a super-Aquarius trait. That's most evident considering the sign is likely the first to speak up on injustices with their chest and say what everyone else is too afraid to.

Pisces

"Summer Time"

Pisces are so pure and just an all-around good time. Ever-imaginative, artistic, and living in a constant state of nostalgia, it’s only natural that they come alive during the best time to make memories: summer! Is there better song to pair them with than this? I think not!

Taurus

"Dollar Sign"

No one is more money-minded and works hard so they can eat the fruits of their labor than a Taurus. “Dollar Sign” is literally about how Kartel does not owe anyone anything, how he plans to get more money, and what he intends to purchase with his own bread. If you ask me, that sounds like absolute Taurean behavior.

Aries

“Love Dem/Gyallis Anthem”

"Love Dem/Gyallis Anthem" is the no-nonsense record that every Aries can relate to. The artist shares an anecdote at the top of the song in which his girl caught him with another woman and his response was, “Dat’s alright, you know you are di love of mi life / mi affi av a new gyal every night." One thing you can rely on from Aries is their honesty, no matter how brutal it is.

Gemini

"Fever"

There are at least three different vocal inflections on “Fever” where Kartel sing-speaks part of the lyrics, delves into a deeper octave while he says “tik, tok” and then jumps back into his traditional delivery for the verses. The up-and-down, hot-and-cold, never-really-know-what-to-expect-ness of a Gemini is loud! Also, there’s a few lines in the record where he’s not speaking in English or Jamaican Patois, but (1) it’s on a wicked riddim, and (2) it slaps, so we were okay with giving it a pass, much like we give a pass to Geminis when they say whatever craziness comes to their minds, 'cause we know within a few moments they’ll switch moods.

Cancer

"Wifey"

All a Cancer wants is to feel loved and needed, so when Kartel opens the record with “Suppose mi and you fi married?", the crab jumped out. In his 2012 “Wifey” record, Kartel hits the falsetto giving The-Dream some much needed competition. In it, he shares his idyllic “gangsta honeymoon” where he intends to “pop the Victoria lingerie like tred." A sensitive and sentimental dancehall artist? We’ve decided to stan.

Leo

"Real Bad Gal"

When a Leo walks into a room, everyone stops and stares because, well, dem av it. The artist sings, “Nuh gyal cyaa tek away yuh ratings” and you didn’t have to tell Leos that because they knew that already. Leos exude an enviable amount of confidence which is mirrored in the “Real Bad Gal” single.

Virgo

"Teacha's Pet"

Does anyone remember the greatest show to ever grace our television sets and laptop screens? Teacha’s Pet, Vybz Kartel’s Flavor of Love-likened show, was one of the last gifts the artist gave us before he went on trial in 2011. It’s also a massively Virgo record. Just as the contestants vied for the attention and love of Addi so they could be his number one, so do Virgos as they strive towards ultimate perfection and being number one in everything that they do.

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Libra

"My Crew"

Nobody does loyalty better than a Libra. “My Crew” is the definitive tune to step out to with your friends and also reflective of Libra’s need for companionship, which can easily be filled with lots of quality friend or family time.

Scorpio

"Gal a Weh Do You"

There’s no song that captures the essence of Scorpio’s tit-for-tat, vindictive, revengeful, touch-ah-button-nuh nature than “Gal a Weh Do You” featuring former Portmore Empire artist, Sheba. Given the combative lyrics of this single, I imagine this is exactly how two Scorpios would argue (yikes!). Upon interrogating Vybz about a woman, Vybz says “A nuh my girl dat, never / She name Antoinette and she deh wid mi bredda” to which Sheba responds, “Anything a anything, wateva wateva / Mi a guh out likkle more wid mi cousin name Trevor." Does it get more Scorpio than that?

Sagittarius

"Freaky Gyal (Juleen) Pt. 1"

This is peak Sag energy. I mean, no one saw this record coming in 2013 when, at the time, no Jamaican dancehall artist spoke openly about receiving oral. The only explanation for what came of “Freaky Gyal” is that Kartel channelled his inner Sagittarius, as he usually does when he unleashes his unpredictable, surprise antics — this record being one of them. This bold record embodies the essence of Sagittarians who are always going against grain, marching to the beat of their own drum with no regard for the opinions of others.

The astrological signs as Vybz Kartel songs