The first two Democratic presidential debates took place this week, and 20 of the 24 candidates finally got to introduce themselves and their platforms to Americans not arguing on Twitter. That is objectively far too many people — it is difficult to know 20 people intimately enough to feel comfortable with them, much less 20 people who are trying to control the United States.
Lots of other websites have detailed explainers about each candidate's policy positions, but we all know there's a far more pure method of distilling each person: Playboi Carti lyrics. So we've paired each of the candidates to a Playboi Carti lyric that best represents their position in the race as it stands right now. Enjoy.
"I can't go in, I ain’t ready” from "Fetti"
Don't do it, y'all.
"Woke up to niggas sounding like me" from "wokeuplikethis*"
His ideas are now being adopted wholesale by other candidates. But no biter is truly sincere.
"Wake up and smell the motherfuckin coffee / I’m 'bout to put these boys in a coffin” from "Long Time (Intro)"
Whether or not she wins, she's already bodied a lot of other campaigns.
"I go psycho, bitch, watch me sock yo' bitch" from "R.I.P."
Former staff members accused her of emotional abuse, but she says that proves she has what it takes to... stand up to Russia.
"That boy dead / Arm and a leg" from "No Time"
After bravely taking a stand against a senator's sexual harassment, party insiders took their revenge by torpedoing her campaign. Damn.
"This feelin' like a story that been wrote before" from "Damn Shame"
Hope newspapers are keeping "Beto Loses" headlines ready.
"I guess you're not feelin' me / Not feelin' the energy" from "Flex"
He should have been a frontrunner. Then Mayor Pete happened.
“I’m a soldier, damn I thought I told you” from "Magnolia"
Right-wingers love her for some reason. Maybe that's why.
"100 round drum killin' everybody" from "Choppa Won't Miss"
His campaign is run by two teenagers who tweet insults at almost every other candidate all day. Cool.
"All these hoes want cash" from "Magnolia"
MAGA freak fave Yang's pet policy proposal is Universal Basic Income: $1,000 a month for everyone. He's got a big future in the right-wing media circuit.
Bill de Blasio
"I’m sad as fuck” from "YOUNGXANHOE"
No one's taking his campaign seriously. Is he?
"I'd rather not talk about it just do that shit" from "dothatshit!"
He's one of the few candidates that puts the urgency of climate disaster front and center.