Our 3-D glasses are in the shop, so at first we were scared to watch the new Missy Elliott video for “Ching-A-Ling / Shake Your Pom Pom.” Would it give us epleptic seizures, like that Queens woman who had to get lobotomized so she could listen to Sean Paul? Would we suddenly turn into Jessica Alba in The Eye, and start seeing dead people trying to ghost-freak Missy and stick rogue Kid ‘n’ Plays into the choreography?

We didn’t watch it for like four days.

But finally, the song’s mondo horn section, tambourines and posse “AY”s grew on us – and we gave in.

And halfway through the shoes-on-feet mime choreography (no Kid Sister) and the red-and-blue enhanced floppery of Ms. E’s floppy-banged swag (no Koogle), we realized we had been depriving ourselves. Because you don’t really need the 3-D glasses. It’s kind of blurry, but you can still figure out what’s going on: dancing, baseball bats, Don King hair, a chain, a tambourine, a swing. It’s no “Pass the Dutch,” but then a million kilted Riverdancers in three lifelike dimensions frankly sounds a little frightening. It’s no shock but it’s reliable fun—Missy doing what Missy does. And then when she says “drop down like Michael Jackson socks,” we actually remembered when we were five and went to see MJ’s “Captain EO” in 3-D at Disneyland and were so terrified by the proximity of the alien queen’s villainous and witchy fingernails to our face we couldn’t sleep for two nights.

So, to break it down:

NO 3-D = NO EPILEPSY.

3-D = POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.

SPECIAL TO ACTUAL DJs: Please blend “Thirstay / Baby Bring it over here” with “I drink YOUR MILKSHAKE!”