I’ve been exhausted. You just tour the same record for so long. I didn’t want to do anything. And then I went to LA, and I rented this little cabin. I bought an autoharp. I was just sitting totally in a cabin with candles and an autoharp and being like, I’m so heartbroken. I didn’t have a driver’s license, so I was just walking around, and I had so much time to think about the record and to build a plan. I just felt so strong, and that I was on a path and I couldn’t turn back, no matter how painful it is. So I came back to Sweden and I’m like, I’m going to make the master record, and I’m going to make everything right that I did wrong the last time. I came back with a vision, I gathered all the band. We were going to have four-day sessions in Atlantis [Studios]. We were just going to do it live, Bob Dylan style. And then I completely freaked. It was too much for me. I had a total meltdown in the studio. I was in tears, like choking, I couldn’t sing. I was like, Oh my god I can’t do this, it’s too early. I’ve had to a lot of my darlings and be like, This is my vision, this is my dream, this is my intention, but this is reality, this what I have and this is who I am right now. I’m quite young, I guess, so I’m still searching for ways to live, trying out stuff.
You have to be ready for that, a love that’s not immediate, that’s just warm and it’s just there.
I feel very suffocated when I’m around people all the time. I really had to learn real early that I couldn’t count on anybody for anything, so I’ve been a loner all my life, like really strong, because nobody’s going to give me shit. I’ve been too much like that, I don’t trust people and I don’t depend on them. Almost cold, maybe. But now I’ve been experiencing not only relationships, but friends and people, and I’ve been learning that it’s okay to miss them. When you’re always touring it’s going to be really painful if you miss people all the time. So you just have friends everywhere, you can’t be too attached. This life is bad for relationships. But I’ve learned to try to depend on a few people, stay in touch with people more. When I was in America for a very long time, I didn’t talk to anybody here, so they’re like, She’s gone. I can be here, and nobody knows I’m here, I’m like a leaf in the wind. I would stay in New York and LA, and I wouldn’t get in touch with people. I would just be floating around, doing really stupid stuff. And I would just feel like if something happened right now, I was just rootless. It was scary. When everything was done, like I’m not going to do one more show, just leave me alone for awhile, I just realized that I was in the exact same situation personally that I was when it all started, like when I was 17. I was like, Man, I need to change some things. It’s been a really painful process. I don’t want to be like, This album has been like therapy—it’s not really, I go to therapy, too. But it was a really painful start to the album. The whole process has been kill-ing me. I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve been manic, like waking up in the middle of the night like, It’s not good enough.