It’s all very personal. Although I’ve been so busy and not having time, I just got involved in this really interesting situation—a love kind of thing—that I never expected. I always had the feeling, all my life, I’m always so brokenhearted. It happened to me once when I was 19, 20. I was like, Yeah this is shit, but this guy couldn’t hurt me that bad. How could this one person hurt me that much? So I went to this psychic, and she said, “You were born with a broken heart.” And I was like, Really? Because I knew that. So I’m born with a broken heart, and then somebody breaks my heart again, and then when I think there’s no way I can get brokenhearted again, it really happens again, like super happens again. I put up all these shields, and then I was willing to jump. I’ll run for it, because love is dangerous, when it’s real it’s dangerous. And then I crash. So when I was in Bermuda, on a beach, on the water, and I was really sad, like, I hate myself I want to die, I just felt like the most stupid person ever. How could I be so selfish? At the same time, every man’s suffering is their own suffering, so I thought, Wow, I’m suffering from rich kid’s blues I think. There’s a few basic needs that everybody needs, and if one of them is not fulfilled, you don’t feel good. You know, food, water, shelter, but also a place of belonging and a home, and a feeling that you mean something special to somebody and somebody means something special to you, a connection. No matter how rich you are, if you don’t have that, it’s the same thing as being a homeless kid with nothing to eat. [You] need to be close to another heart. So as selfish as it sounds, being on a beach in Bermuda, if you still don’t have a home or someone that’s there, it’s painful. And also the feeling that I think a lot of people suffer from, that we have everything, there’s so much going on, but there’s this numbness. And I was starting to fantasize, like, what’s death? Where is that? Is that a place that could be better? Like there’s a place where the highs won’t hurt, and it won’t come down again, it was just going to be high. So that song “I Know Places,” it’s basically like, follow me there, because I know this place where it’s high all the time, it’s on the other side. So it’s a dark thing, although it doesn’t sound like it. A lot of it is almost like a siren of death. I’ve been having this ocean feeling a lot, a lot of the songs talk about water and rivers, like where does that river lead? And it’s good, it just flows and then you die.
If you listen to somebody, you can hear their secrets. What is her biggest secret, her biggest wound? I say everything, but at the same time, that’s like a sacred space. I wouldn’t say that in real life, when I’m hanging out with somebody. But I’m not interested in doing anything else with my music. When I’m really putting myself on the line, that’s the only time it resonates with me. I don’t know any other way. If I’m going to be doing a lot of records really quickly, I guess this is not the way, because I can’t do that all the time. So maybe my next record’s not going to come in forever, like ten years or something. Or maybe I’ll do it right away. You have to find your wound at the time. And you can’t just have wound, wound, wound all the time and then sunshine, because then the wound gets even bigger.
It’s hard when you’re used to love being so dramatic, so many obstacles, but it’s so painful and it’s so destructive. I had to teach myself, the next guy I’m going to have is going to be fucking a good man to me, he’s going to treat me good. That’s hard to recognize, when you’re standing in front of a good person. You have to be ready for that, a love that’s not immediate, that’s just warm and it’s just there. I realize there are different stages—love, lust and infatuation, and that’s the most dangerous one that I experience, like obsession. It feels so much, but it’s bullshit. And then love, which is something that is like a warmth between you. I went into this record walking around New York, crying. I went to the movies by myself, like smoking inside and they’re like, You have to go out and I’m like, Unnnhhh nooo. And now my record is done, and it’s really strange because I have to revisit old things. Right now I’m fine. I’ve never ever been fine. I’m just saying this now, I’m fine now. Who knows what will happen in a week, but today it’s fine.
I’ve been working [for a year and a half] in my head and in my soul. This has been like the inhale before the exhale. I’ve discovered some things about me. I used to party a lot on tour and do all kinds of things, but then I got really sick and I had to go on this cleanse. I couldn’t drink alcohol, eat any meat or sugar. I was on this health binge. So I did that at the same time I was in LA riding the bus, and it was cool. But it didn’t work, because I was emotionally jetlagged. I had no energy. I just got even more sick and more tired, and was just like, Oh my god, there’s no end to this. I’m so fucking old and I’m so young. The way I think I should handle it is just to have a lot of fun. Like having a good laugh or having amazing fucking sex with somebody is worth more than a fucking health cleanse or therapy. So I’ve just been having fun instead, and now I’m feeling so much better. I’m back on track, ready to be destroyed again.