In our column My First Time, we ask some of our favorite artists to share some of the all-important firsts that have helped shape their lives. Today, the human beatbox T-Pain dishes on the formative exploits that have fueled his vodka & soda-soaked hits for years. For more on his resurgence and new direction, read our recent Q/A here.
My first song: Oh Jesus (laughs). Oh, it was terrible. I was rappin’ on it. I was tryin’ to write a song with my big brother because he was already rappin’ but the lyrics were terrible. It was called “I Be.” I was like, ‘I be who you don’t be, my name is Teddy P, I’m here to — ’ it was like, real bad. It was just Barney terrible. It was about the worst song I’ve ever done.
My first memory: I remember being in a nursery and it was nap time but I wasn’t sleepy. There was this girl the same age as me, next to me, and she had her bottle. Her bottle was out of her mouth, and I couldn’t remember what bottles felt like, so I was just like sittin’ there the whole time kinda playin’ with the nipple of the bottle. And then one of the caretakers in the nursery saw me, and she moved me away from the girl, like I was touchin’ her real nipple or something.
My first major purchase: Oh. Oh God. Just flexed like hard? That was the Bugatti. That was the first time like hard. When I thought I was flexin, that was a two hundred thousand dollar house. I thought I was big time. I was like, ‘Yeah, three bathrooms my nigga! We made it!’
My first crush: Lola Bunny from Space Jam (laughs). She was super bad. That was probably my first real like ‘Oh my God, I have to meet this cartoon. I don’t know how.’
My first threesome: Oh gosh. There’s been so many. Um, my first threesome. My first threesome was in Costa Rica with my wife and a prostitute. It was very awesome. This is when we found out that my wife liked girls. We was in the strip club, they shut down the strip club, I have no idea why. I went in with some jewelry and they thought I was a rich person, so they shut down the whole strip club. It was just us. It was just me, my wife, my security, his girlfriend, and the strippers. My wife was gettin’ a dance and she was like, ‘I like her.’ I was like, ‘Yeah, I like her too, so she’s fine.’ She was like, ‘No, I like her for real.’ It was her idea. Which is why I think we’re so great. It’s always her idea. I don’t take charge of nothin’. ‘Baby, I wasn’t even lookin’ over there. If you was lookin’ over there, then yes I was lookin’ over there (laughs).’ But yeah, Costa Rica, Costa Rican prostitute. That worked out. That strip club’s now closed (laughs).