Oscars Trash Talk: James Franco’s a Dunce, Lesbians and Internet Lose to England

February 28, 2011

Last night at the 83rd Academy Awards, James Franco showed up without makeup or having brushed his teeth. He and Anne Hathaway were brought on to make the show young and hip. For Hathaway, whose hairstylist should be applauded for their brunette/amber/golden seamless ombre dye job, this meant putting her mannequin sized body in service of some of the night's best dresses and one Lanvin suit. But also acting horribly, forcing her way into a poor Lea Michele impersonation and gesturing desperately— because that's what kids like now? Wrong! They would have appreciated a Bieber finale, at least.

Franco did a lot of smirking, shoulder and eyebrow lifting, like the guy someone brought to the party who is hard to talk to but hot and therefore a chiller. Was he stoned? Old writers all over already called him "heavy-lidded" and "mellow" but conceivably he was simply tired, sober, boring and not that smart. No doubt Franco's sure as anyone on twitter that this spectacle is an archaic, laughable one. But perhaps like some portion of those peanut's, he's lacking the energy and/or brainpower to make any light of it. Shout out to Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz who looked unfazed, hazy and youthful but still better than everyone else.

Goofy Brit Tom Hooper stole David Fincher's Best Director statue, so writer Aaron Sorkin and Trent Reznor were the primary ambassadors for Mark Zuckerburg onstage. Sorkin thanked his assistant first! Annette Benning's hair was stained mouse-brown and spiked like Bieber's new cut. Her lesbian-movie-starring wine did not win any awards. Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter shared an affectionate, all genders-empowering hug while accepting their Oscar for best film editing for The Social Network.

To present the highest reading-level speech of the evening and announce the winner of Best Documentary Feature, Oprah sculpted her boobs into two globes inside an exceptional rendering of her go-to off the shoulder ballgown. Craig Charles Ferguson won for his film Inside Job. He brought more energy and ferocity than anyone save Randy Newman, saying, "forgive me, I must start by pointing out that three years after our horrific financial crisis caused by financial fraud, not a single financial executive has gone to jail, and that's wrong."

Oscars Trash Talk: James Franco’s a Dunce, Lesbians and Internet Lose to England