Rihanna might already be your best friend goals, squad goals, business mogul goals, beauty icon, style icon, 4/20 icon, dream sommelier, etc. etc. But what you might not have yet thought about is that over a catalogue of eight albums, she can and should also act as your astrologer, guiding you through the stars, speaking to your inner soul, confirming everything you’ve ever thought about yourself. It was kind of funny writing this, actually, because of just how well Rihanna pulls off every sign in song. It turns out, as we’ve all wished for so long, there’s a little bit of Rihanna in each of us.
“Cockiness (Love It),” Talk That Talk
It’s only an Aries, the blunt and demanding star sign, who could lead off a song insisting — not asking, but telling — “I want you to be my sex slave.” And you know what, when it comes out of Rihanna’s mouth it’s pretty convincing.
“You Da One,” Talk That Talk
To get a bit technical here, Taurus is a fixed sign, which means that they’re super loyal. They’re also ruled by Venus, which is the planet of love and beauty. So it makes a lot of sense that they’d lounge around singing about their one true love that they dream about all day-ay-ay. A friend of mine who's into astrology tried to convince me that “Diamonds” is more accurate because it represents April’s birthstone and Taureans supposedly love luxury, but as a Taurus myself I prefer to focus on our loyal and fun qualities.
“Hate That I Love You,” Good Girl Gone Bad
Perhaps the most misunderstood of the zodiac signs, we all know Geminis are a couple of split personality crazies working overtime to do it all. So here comes a duet of Ne-Yo and Rihanna singing about how much they hate loving each other, how tortured that love is. “One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me/And your kiss won't make me weak,” Rihanna sings, hoping to leave the toxic cycle behind. But if your a Gemini, don’t get your hopes up.
Childlike, nostalgic, emotional, and clingy. That’s me describing Rihanna longingly singing “Stay” while naked in a bathtub, and also all the Cancers you’ve ever met. They’re also known to be sensitive to the environment and to design, which is possibly why this video was filmed in a variety of aesthetically pleasing wood-paneled bathrooms.
Honestly, half of Anti is Rihanna at peak flighty Leo pettiness, but we have to narrow it down to one, so we’ll go with the song where she sings, “I bet she could never make you cry/ 'Cause the scars on your heart are still mine” and then goes on to chant, “I don't even really care about you no more.” Fearless.
“Kiss It Better,” Anti
Virgos are always striving for perfection and efficiency, trying to attain their best selves while pushing everyone around them, whether they like it or not, to do the same. They’re picky and they’re critical, but it’s also out of love. Which is what Rihanna is striving for, at her most Virgo, when she says, “Oh, tell me what you’re willing to do? (Kiss it, kiss it better, baby).”
“Sex With Me,” Anti
Libras are vain and love getting compliments, so much so that they will just go ahead and give themselves that pat on the back, à la, “Sex with me so amazing.” They’re also people pleasers, so even if sex with them is typically maybe kind of mediocre they will do whatever they can to make sure it’s actually amazing for you.
“Breaking Dishes,” Good Girl Gone Bad
Up at 3 a.m. planning a revenge fight while breaking a Thanksgiving meal's worth of dishes? You must be talking about a Scorpio. They're intense and deeply connected to their emotions at best, manipulative at worst. Here’s Rihanna’s take: “I ain't demented, well just a little bit (huh).”
“Needed Me,” Anti
The bad bitch of astrological signs, Sagittarius women are seductive, brash, and struggle with commitment. The type of chick that might tell you to your face that you were just “another nigga on the hit list” before reminding you, just in case you dare forgot, “didn’t you know that I was savage?” Classic savage sag.
Capricorns are practical and career-focused, known for their work ethic and unwavering loyalty. On top of all that, they’re also emotionally intelligent. Should we all marry one? Probably. So when Rihanna sang “work work work work work” and it was about putting in that extra effort to save a relationship, she was speaking to you, and for you, you loyal horned goats.
Aquarians insist on marching to the beat of their own drum, living in a world of their own imagination. So “Consideration” feels fitting. It starts with, “I came fluttering in from Neverland,” and later demands, “I got to do things my own way darling.” For Aquarians the real world can often feel too overwhelming, and here SZA joins Rihanna to describe just that: “When I look outside my window, I can’t get no peace of mind.” But this sign is also the most humanitarian and free-spirited, and will work hard to transform the sometimes paralyzing real world into the more bearable one they escape to in daydreams.
“James Joint,” Anti
Pisces are deeply emotional, slightly delusional, humble braggers. It’s worth noting that Rihanna herself is a pisces. So which song is the most Rihanna of Rihanna’s songs? An astrology-obsessed friend suggested that “Fool in Love” from Talk That Talk is “very emotional Pisces,” but that doesn’t read Rihanna enough to me. I’d say it’s the airy “James Joint,” a song that feels as brief yet sustaining as a single breath. Floats in as quickly as it floats out, and all you know is you want more. I imagine that’s what it’s like when you hang out with Rihanna, too. No amount of time is ever quite enough.