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Listmania 2017!!!

71 lists that sum up the highs and lows of a weird-ass year.

Illustration Sharon Gong
December 21, 2017



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Things that don't feel like they happened in 2017 (that we don’t want to talk about)

1. Fidget spinners
2. The Kendall Jenner Pepsi thing
3. All that Richard Simmons stuff
4. Arguing about pineapple on pizza
5. Jake Paul
6. The media’s obsession with millenials







Top songs from 2016 that we listened to in 2017

11. Migos f. Lil Uzi Vert, “Bad and Boujee”
10. Kaytranada f. Syd, “You’re The One”
9. PARTYNEXTDOOR, “Work (demo)”
8. Frank Ocean, “Nights”
7. Jacquees, “B.E.D.”
6. Mitski, “Happy”
5. YoungBoy Never Broke Again, “They Ain’t With Me”
4. Mr. Eazi, “Leg Over”
3. Lil Peep, “Gym Class”
2. Snail Mail, “Thinning”
1. Olivia Holt, “History”

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Events that had bigger crowds than Trump’s inauguration


1. Literally any Thursday at the Supreme store






4 things we read that we liked more than “Cat Person”

1. Taylor Swift’s poem for Vogue
2. Verrit
3. Our own unpublished short fiction
4. The Autobiography of Gucci Mane







Twitter bios we considered getting tattooed
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Top Keyshia and Gucci Instagram posts that made us believe in love

1.

2.

3.

4.

...until these breakups convinced us love is dead

1. Cam'ron and JuJu
2. Carmelo and La La
3. Fergie and Josh Duhamel
4. Hayley Williams and that guy from New Found Glory






The 11 stages of following Beyoncé’s pregnancy

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1. Feeling shocked as all fucking hell that Beyoncé is pregnant again, after she has given us so much
2. Feeling even more shocked that she will be having twins
3. Having intense jealousy of all of Beyoncé's pregnancy fits
4. Having intense jealousy of all of Beyoncé's offspring
5. Losing all sense of feeling in your extremities while watching her Grammys performance
6. Feeling sad that you didn't get invited to Bey's push party
7. Feeling like a weird stalker for setting up a "Beyoncé+hospital" Google alert
8. Experiencing intense emotions about the fact that the twins are destined to be Geminis
9. Realizing that Beyoncé invented poetry when you learn that their names are Sir and Rumi
10. Feeling acceptance that Beyoncé is happy and busy with her children
11. Looking forward giving her some much-deserved space (even if the space is only from your psychic energy, since she will never know you exist)







Comebacks we were most thankful for

1. Jay-Z
2. Paramore
3. Kesha

Comebacks we didn’t ask for

1. Jay-Z
2. Fergie
3. George W. Bush







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Songs Nazuk played at 2:59 p.m. every Summer Friday

1. Ozuna, “Tu Foto”
2. Creek Boyz, “With My Team”
3. G Perico, “Dedicate”
4. J Hus, “Did You See”
5. Bruno Mars x PARTYNEXTDOOR, “That’s What I Like (Remix)”

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2 times rappers made us concerned for their exotic animals

1. When YoungBoy Never Broke Again got a pet tiger
2. When YoungBoy Never Broke Again got a pet monkey






7 jewelry purchases that reminded us how broke we are

1. Quavo’s Ratatouille chain

2. Quavo's Napoleon chain

3. Quavo's Yoda chain

4. Lil Uzi Vert’s Marilyn Manson chain

5. Lil Yachty’s Lil Yachty chain

6. Cardi B’s bloody moves chain, as gifted by Offset

7. Drake's Stone Island chain

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Balls, ranked

6. Gelo
5. The uncle who kind of looks like Zaytoven
4. Lonzo
3. Melo
2. Tina
1. LaVar






Things you bitches can’t spell

1. Consent

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New smiles that made Ali declare 2017 the year of teeth

6. Lil Uzi Vert
5. Danny Brown
4. Cardi B
3. Young Thug
2. Metro Boomin
1. "Everybody is just smiling all over the gram now, flexing the pearly whites!" —Ali











4 times we were convinced Frank Ocean wanted to ruin Olivia’s life

1. When “Chanel” premiered on Blonded Radio and they played it for a literal hour and she thought it might drive her insane
2. When Olivia had an important blogging question but Myles was crying his eyes out watching Frank at Panorama
3. When Olivia posted this, and then Frank posted this
4. When Blonded 003 got pushed to 10:15 PST, which would have been fine except for the fact that Olivia lives on EST and Blonded is two hours long so she had to stay up until 3 a.m. to post about “Biking”

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The 9 stages of Myles going to Fyre Festival

1. Getting to the airport in Miami and being mildly annoyed that he had to put a bunch of money on his "Fyre bracelet"
2. Not really caring that his flight to the Bahamas was going to be a little late because there was a bar next to the gate
3. Being confused when the festival's PR person called and asked him very nicely not to get on the plane because the boat he was going to stay on never actually got booked
4. Feeling very purple-devil-smiling emoji about the extremely annoyed rich people he saw in the airport
5. Laughing hysterically at the 30-something bros who were ditching the airport because they decided on a whim to charter a yacht to take them instead
6. Getting concerned about the pictures he saw on Twitter — especially the cheese sandwiches
7. Deciding he would like to get to the Bahamas to report on what was going on but then feeling frustrated that there was no way in hell he was getting there
8. Feeling cozy in his nice-ass Miami hotel while reporting out a story for the next morning
9. Eventually feeling super relaxed by the pool and beach all weekend as the internet (and Ja Rule) tore itself to shreds and while his article on all the shenanigans went viral






People who have “blood on their hands”






Songs we looked forward to hearing in grocery stores






Nostalgic references we loved even though they’re absolutely unacceptable

1. Kehlani's "Undercover" interpolating Akon's "Don't Matter"
2. DJ Khaled f. Rihanna & Bryson Tiller's "Wild Thoughts" interpolating Santana f. The Product G&B's "Maria Maria"
3. Drake's "Teenage Fever" sampling Jennifer Lopez's "If You Had My Love"






Lowlights from the FADER’s cryptoslack

1. "/poll 'have beyonce and jay z invested in crypto?' 'yes' 'no' 'it's for blue'" —Olivia
2. "p sure i lost a byunch of money" —Duncan
3. "wait i lost my money again. i just keep forgetting wher ei put it" —Duncan
4. "can i be programmed to be rich" — Olivia
5. "i feel like ETH is solid as fuck, the name alone sounds promising" —Juliana
6. "everyone in this group has to start wearing suits to work" —Sam






3 things that were edgier than any of Taylor Swift’s "disses"

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1. A round table
2. Jell-O
3. A quinoa clump






Album rollouts that were equally cynical and deranged






3 people whose Instagram comments were out of control

1. Juicy J, who won't leave NASA alone
2. Lauren J from 5th Harmony, who sent a lot of love to people
3. Cypress Hill, who commented on every photo... with a fist emoji

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People who actually seem like they had a good year

1. Cardi B
2. Tracee Ellis Ross
3. Laura Dern
4. Charli xcx
5. Serena Williams
6. Jonatan (Not a focking baby)
7. Gucci Mane






4 times Jonatan made everybody claro






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Top trends we can’t wait to carry into 2018

2. Buying Instant Pots
1. Logging off

Top trends that need to stay in 2017

2. Tweets over 140 characters
1. The "alt-right"

Racist laws that were successfully overturned thanks to grassroots activists working their asses off

1. New York's "no dancing" cabaret law






Best new artists we discovered on Spotify

1. Ras Sramard
2. Gocci Mode
3. 21 Passage
4. Most Alone

13 beaches, ranked

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13. El Matador
12. Dan Blocker
11. Malibu Lagoon
10. Carbon
9. Las Tunas
8. Nicholas Canyon
7. Leo Carillo
6. Topanga
5. Paradise Cove
4. Zuma
3. El Pescador
2. La Piedra
1. Point Dume






People Jay-Z forgot to thank in his tweetstorm

1. God
2. His family






Things social media editor Ali did while the FADER Twitter was down

1. Ate schnitzel
2. Charged his Juul
3. Drank D’ussé
4. Vlogged
5. Tried to convince the world that Juelz Santana is the best rapper of all time

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People @thugtear could be

1. Rawiya






Times the FADER newsletter deserved a Pulitzer

1. “We got snubbed!"











Things meat is, according to Duncan

1. Murder











Weird beauty trends we thought were gonna pop off

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1. Squiggly eyebrows

Top numbers

1
8
0
0
2
7
3
8
2
5
5






Months we loved Rihanna

1. January
2. February
3. March
4. April
5. May
6. June
7. July
8. August
9. September
10. October
11. November
12. December











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Total dollars the FADER staff spent on Fenty Beauty











Top 5 questions people asked Duncan to ask Zayn that he didn’t actually ask

5. ask him how excited he is for deadpool 2
4. and how excited is he for thor ragnarok
3. DROP HIS SKINCARE ROUTINE
2. Would he ever get with an 18 yr old Pakistani girl from England with a London accent?? 😏💕
1. When's he giving us a selfie in black shalwar kameez? This bitch has waited all her life!






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Fan-favorite FADER covers, as measured by 2017 poster sales

5. Hayley Williams
4. Lil Uzi Vert
3. Travis Scott
2. Frank Ocean
1. Tyler, The Creator






The cutest photos from our office "twinning" series






Problematic faves who need our prayers

1. Kanye West
2. Certain members of Kanye West's household
3. Miley Cyrus
4. Barack Obama
5. Azealia Banks
6. Tay-K
7. Lindsay Lohan






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Top U.K. bangers that referenced cab company Addison Lee






People we want to hear more from in 2018

1. Hodgy Beats
2. Nelly Furtado
3. Salt Bae
4. Timothée Chalamet






People who need to be left alone

1. Meek Mill
2. Malia Obama
3. Britney

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People who earned a sabbatical for 2018

1. Matt Damon
2. Lena Dunham






Reboots that should’ve been booted

5. TRL
4. The Ring
3. Blade Runner
2. Will & Grace
1. Jumanji






Video-based Twitter accounts that truly explained 2017

1. @CursedVideos

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12 things the FADER staff tried for self-care (while sitting sedentary at desks for hours on end)

1. The Whole 30
2. Rosehip Oil
3. Seeds
4. Mugwort
5. Manuka Honey Propolis Lozenges
6. CBD oil
7. Energy Metabolism & Bone Support Women's Gummies
8. Motherwort tincture
9. Cricket waffle
10. Squalane
11. Micellized Vitamin A
12. Water






Lyrics we loved that weren't actually lyrics

1. "Who's not gay, bitch? Let me find out!" —Drake, "Gyalchester"
2. "Don't give a fuck about who in front of me!" —Cardi B, "Bodak Yellow"

Best snack that showed up at The FADER office

1. Expired Maltesers

Worst snack that showed up at The FADER office

1. Expired pulled pork

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3 times end-credits ruled

1. Call Me By Your Name
2. Our DJ Firmeza doc, Pai Nosso
3. Good Time






What we're pivoting to in 2018

1. A cult
2. A thriving multimedia platform
3. A cryptocurrnecy

Top 2 cryptocurrency buys for 2018

1. FAD
2. ER

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Photo credits from lead image:

Ozuna: Timothy Smith for The FADER
Young Ma: Cait Oppermann for The FADER
Lil Uzi Vert: Tyler Mitchell for The FADER
J Hus: Dan Wilton for The FADER
Stormzy: Carlota Guerrero for The FADER
Charli XCX: Renata Raksha for The FADER
Hayley Williams: Jason Nocito for The FADER
Cardi B: Dia Dipasupil / Getty Images
Rihanna: Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images
21 Savage: Noam Galai/Getty Images
Jake Paul: Frazer Harrison / Getty Images
Jay-Z: Matt Winkelmeyer / Getty Images
Chelsea Manning: Bryan Bedder / Getty Images
SZA: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images
Jordan Peele: Jamie McCarthy / Getty Images
Meek Mill: Lisa Lake / Getty Images
Beyoncé: Robyn Beck / Getty Images
Laura Dern: Stuart C. Wilson / Getty Images
Kesha: Isaac Brekken / Getty Images
Frank Ocean: Frazer Harrison / Getty Images
Takeoff: Bennett Raglin / Getty Images
Quavo: Frazer Harrison / Getty Images
Offset: Bennett Raglin / Getty Images
Gucci Mane: Maury Phillips / Getty Images
Taylor Swift: Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images
Colin Kaepernick: Matt Winkelmeyer / Getty Images
Eminem: Dimitrios Kambouris / Getty Images